Attention Shoppers...
A woman goes into Walmart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register.
There is a Walmart "associate" standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me sir ..... can you tell me anything about this rod  and reel?"

He says , "Ma'am I'm blind but if you drop it  on the counter I can tell you everything you  need to know about it from the sound that it makes."

She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said "That's a 6' graphite rod with Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line...... It's a good all around rod and reel  and it's $20.00."

She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so  I'll take it."

He walks behind the counter to the register. And in the meantime the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her ... being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."

She says. "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"

He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the   catfish stink bait is $2.50."

Things women never say: (well, some women)
Another from boyle!
1. I'll swallow it all...I love the taste.
2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
3. I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!
4. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?
5. That was a great fart! Do another one!
6. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
7. You're so sexy when you're hungover.
8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.
9. Let's subscribe to Hustler.
10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?
11. Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses.
12. I'll be out painting the house.
13. I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to
play on Saturday too.
14. Honey..our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again, come see!
15. I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again?
16. No, No, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.
17. Your mother is way better than mine.
18. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy yourself new clubs.
19. I understand fully...our anniversary comes every year for Christ's sake, you go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever.
20. Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a rack of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Tammy over for a threesome!
21. Christ, not the fucking mall again, come on let's go to that new strip joint!
22. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8.
23. You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings.
24. God..if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!
25. I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for you.

Women's T-shirt sayings:
Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
Guys have feelings too. But like... who cares?
I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.
Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
I hate everybody, and you're next.
Please don't make me kill you.
And your point is...
I used to be schizophrenic, but we're ok now.
I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.
Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later.
You KNOW you want me.
Don't worry. It'll only seem kinky the first time...
Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time.
Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.
You, me, whipped cream, handcuffs. Any questions?
Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
All stressed out and no one to choke.
I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.
Nobody knows I'm not wearing underwear.

He Said, She Said
This one's from KJACKSON!
Girl and boy are having a relationship of about four months now. One Friday night they meet at a bar after work. They stay for a few, then go on to get some food at a local restaurant near their respective houses. They eat, then go back to his house and she stays over.

Her story:
Well Ed was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it, but the conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately, so we go to this restaurant and he's still a bit funny and I'm trying to cheer him up and start to wonder whether it's me or something so I ask him and he says no but you know I'm not really sure, so anyway, in the cab back to his house I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me and I don't know what the hell that means because you know he doesn't say it back or anything so when we get back to his house I'm wondering if he's going off me and so I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV and so I say I'm going to go to sleep and then after about 10 minutes he joins me and we have sex, but he seemed really distracted and so afterwards I just want to leave and I dunno I just don't know what he thinks anymore, I mean, do you think he's met someone else ???

His story:
Shit day at work. Great shag later.

How to describe a woman and remain "POLITICALLY CORRECT"
From EvilNetRls...
She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.

She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.

She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.

She is not HALF NAKED - She is WARDROBE IMPAIRED.

She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED

She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.

She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC
INCARCERATION.

She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.

She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.

She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL  STIMULATION.

She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.

She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE.

She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.

She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.

She does not GET YOU EXCITED - She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT.

She is not KINKY - She is a NON-INHIBITED SEXUAL COMPANION.

She does not have a KILLER BODY - She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.

She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT.

She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.

She is not COLD or FRIGID - She is THERMALLY ACCESSIBLE.

She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.

She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE

She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

She is not LOOSE - She is MORALLY IMPAIRED.

She does not have LARGE BREASTS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.

She does not have THIN LIPS - She is COLLAGEN DEPENDENT.

HIS and HERS Road Trip
HERS:
1. Pulls off at wrong exit.
2. Opens window.
3. Asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer.
4. Arrives at destination presently.

HIS:
1. Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it's the correct one.
2. Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he's right.
3. Drives an extra 5 miles just in case.
4. Finally rolls down window.
5. Hocks a loogie.
6. Pulls up to a 7 -11.
7. Gets three hot-dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky.
8. Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the highway.
9. Gets back into car.
10. Farts.
11. After he closes the door.
12. Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11.
13. Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because guy from 7-11 said it was.
14. Almost hits a deer.
15. Curses the night.
16. Curses you.
17. Curses the large slurpee.
18. Stops by the side of the road.
19. Takes a leak.
20. Still taking a leak.
21. Almost done.
22. I think.
23. Returns to car.
24. Drives and fiddles with radio.
25. Yells at you for suggesting the map again.
26. Admits he didn't want to go to Thanksgiving at your sister's anyway.
27. He hates your sister.
28. Ever since she called him a pernicious weasel.
29. He had to look up pernicious.
30. Couldn't find a dictionary.
31. Finally found a dictionary.
32. Couldn't spell pernicious.
33. Seethes at the memory of it all.
34. But she is laughing inside ...
35. And of course you're still lost!

Who Wears The Pants?
Sent in by Rudedog367
A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband who was a big burly man tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she
said."That's right," said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man and I wear the pants in this family."
With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and  found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Heck," he said, "I can't get into your panties!"
She replied, "That's right, and that's the way its going to be until your attitude changes!"

Q & A 2
How to you stop a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.
How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.
What's the difference between a man and a chimpanzee?
One is hairy, smelly and is always scratching its ass, and the other is a chimpanzee.
Why did the man cross the road?
He heard the chicken was a slut.
Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They won't stop to ask directions.
What do men and sperm have in common?
They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
Why do black widow spiders kill their mates after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer.
Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.
What is the difference between men and government bonds?
The bonds mature.
Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know; it has never happened.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They all already have boyfriends.

Huh?
A 65 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her a while then says, "You look ridiculous, what on earth are you doing?"
She says, "I just got my checkup and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen-year old." She starts laughing and jumping again.
He says, "Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 65 year-old ass?"
She says, "Well, your name never came up."

Shot Down!
Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "What sign were you born under?"
Woman: "No Parking."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter"

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized !"

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man: "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."
Woman: "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?"

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "I can tell that you want me."
Woman: "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave."

Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."

Man: "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
Woman: "Sorry, I don't date outside my species.."

Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?

Take THAT!
Sent to us by EvilNetRls!
It was many years since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it.

He offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She Agreed. He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."

"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too.

Tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."

When the boy arrived home he told his mother. She nodded and said,

"Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread,free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years. Then watch the Expression on HIS face!"