Woofzac
Sent to us by SteveLWashickSr!
Three Labrador retrievers - a brown, yellow and black - are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up a conversation. The black lab turns to the brown and says, "So why are you here?"

The brown lab replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything - the sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black lab says, "So what is the vet going to do?"
"Gonna give me Prozac," came the reply from the brown lab. "All the vets are prescribing it. It works for everything." He then turns to the yellow lab and asks, "Why are you here?"

The yellow lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."

"So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired.

"Looks like Prozac for me too," the dejected yellow lab said.

The yellow lab then turns to the black lab and asks what he's at the vet's office for. I'm a humper," the black lab says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes,
and I just couldn't help myself, I hopped on her back and started humping away."

The yellow and brown labs exchange a sad glance and say, "So, Prozac for you too, huh?"

The black lab says, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."

Pets. Ya gotta love 'em
Different pets have profoundly different personalities. Some are smarter than others, some more willing to help "their" humans. When critters are asked to change the light bulb, their replies vary dramatically:

Afghan: Light bulb? What light bulb?
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole
lives ahead of us, and you're worrying about a burned out light bulb?
Border Collie: Right away. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Daschund: I can't reach the stupid lamp!
Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the border collie's ear and he'll do it.
Rotweiller: Go ahead! Make me!
Shi-tzu: Pul-leeze, dahling, I have servants for that kind of thing.
Lab: Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeasze let me change the light bulb. Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee in the dark.
Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.
Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Chihuahua: You quiro Taco Bulb.
Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I've got a hangover.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there.
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Australian Shepherd: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle.
Beagle : Light bulb? That thing I ate was a light bulb?
Siberian Husky: Light bulb?!? I ate the light bulb, and the lamp, and the
coffee table it sat on, and the carpet under the coffee table and...

Cat: You need light to see?
The Gorilla Joke
Sent in by j7man!
A guy walked into the gorilla house in the Washington D.C. Zoo. He looked at the orangatans and the baboons. He then came to a new exhibit called the mimicing gorilla. The guy thought to himself "this is interesting" and decided if the gorilla did mimic after him.
So the guy touched his stomach and the gorilla touched it's stomach. The
guy touched his head the gorilla touched it's head. Then the guy put
his index finger on the bottom of his eye and pressed down gently. The gorilla reached out of his cage and beat the guy up. While the guy was in the hospital he had a visit from the trainer of the gorilla.
The trainer asked " why did the gentlest gorilla in the world beat you up?" The guy told the trainer what had happen.
The trainer replied " the pressing your finger beneath your eye means Fuck
You in gorilla" The man decided to get the gorilla back. When the guy was out of the hospital he went and bought a long package of salami and a knife. Before he went into the ape house he stuck the salami down his pants. He then approached the gorilla. The man
touched his head.the gorilla did the same. The man touched his stomach
and the gorilla did the same. The man took the salami out halfway of his pants and cut half of it of with the knife and slide the knife to the gorilla. The gorilla then with it's index finger touched the
bottom of his eye and pressed down.

Cat Wisdom
From LCo187!
1. Cats do what they want, when they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. They whine when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play they want to be alone.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8. They're moody.
9. They leave hair everywhere.
10. They drive you nuts.

A little boy came down to breakfast. Since they lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores.

"Not yet," said the little boy.

His mother told him he couldn't have any breakfast until he did his chores. Well, he was a little pissed, so he went to feed the chickens, and he kicked a chicken. He went to feed the cows, and he kicked a cow. He went to feed the pigs, and he kicked a pig.

He went back in for breakfast and his mother gave him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? "Why don't I have any milk in my
cereal?" he asks.

"Well, "his mother said, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren't getting any milk this morning."

Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?

Moo Moo Big Boy!
A Classic from RKeller
Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.

First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I aint' givin' him any of mine."

Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I AM KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS."

Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows."

They no sooner finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.

First Bull: "You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."

Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."

They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.

First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."

Third Bull: "Hell, he can have ALL MY COWS. I'm just making sure he knows I'M a bull!"

Catnip
From Raman!
Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"

"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."

MeYEOW!
A preacher was walking along a street when he noticed a small boy sitting on the curb. The boy had a bottle of liquid and seemed fascinated with it. The preacher was curious as to what was in the bottle, so he asked the boy what was in the bottle?

The little boy looked up to the preacher and says "Preacher, what I have here is the most powerful liquid in the world. This is a bottle of turpentine!"

The preacher smiled and shook his head and said "No,no my child, you are wrong. The most powerful liquid in the world is Holy water, for if you would rub a little Holy water on a pregnant woman's belly, she will pass a baby boy!"

The little boy just grinned and replied "Shit preacher, that aint nothing. If you was to rub a little of this turpentine on a cat's ass, it will PASS a motorcycle!"