From
Boyle
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
~~~~~~
From Boyle
How can you tell the Irish guy in the hospital? He's the one blowing the
foam off of his bedpan.
~~~~~~
From Boyle
A Polish family is sitting in the living room. The
wife turns to the husband
and says "Let's send the kids out to P-L-A-Y so we can fuck.
Sent in by LCo187!
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on
the news that there's a car going the wrong way
on I-280. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"From SteveLWashickSr
A woman went to the doctors office and
said, "Doctor, I've got a bit of a problem. But, I'll have to take my clothes off to
show you." The doctor told her to go behind the screen and disrobe.
She did and the doctor went around to see her when she was ready.
"Well, what is it?" he asked.
"It's a bit embarrassing," she replied. "These two green circles have
appeared on the inside of my thighs."
The doctor examined her and finally admited he really had no idea what the cause of the
problem might be.
Suddenly, the doctor asked, "Does your boyfriend wear earrings?"
"Why, yes, doctor, he does."
"Tell him they're not real gold."
Sent in by ANGIEBUG!
Miss Bea was in her eighties, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The
pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him into
her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea. As
he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on
top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom.
Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity!
Surely Miss Bea had flipped or something.....! But he certainly couldn't mention the
strange sight in her parlor. When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater,
but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer. "Miss Bea," he
said, " I wonder if you would tell me about this," (pointing to the bowl).
"Oh, yes," she replied, " Isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last
fall and I found this little package. It said to put it on the organ and keep it wet, and
it would prevent disease. And you know, I think it's working! I haven't had a cold all
winter"!
Little Johnny is approached by the
lifeguard at the public swimming pool.
"You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I'm going to
report you."
"But everyone pees in the pool," said Little Johnny.
"Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!" |
A
prisoner in jail receives a letter
from his wife. "I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the
best time to plant them?"
The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter,
"Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all
the gold."
A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "You wouldn't believe
what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back
garden."
The prisoner wrote another letter:
"Dear wife, now is the best time to
plant the lettuce."From SteveLWashickSr!
Two young guys were picked up by the
cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You
seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time.
I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get
them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you
do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles and told them this (the big circle)
is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the
2nd boy)
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"
"Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles) I said (pointing to small
circle) this is your asshole before prison...
Paddy and Mick are walking home after
a night on the piss. They've got no money to get
a taxi and are staggering all over the place when they find themselves outside the bus
depot. Paddy has a brainwave and says to Mick "Get in there and steal a bus so we can
drive home and I'll stay out here and look out for the police".
Mick duly breaks into the garage and is gone for twenty minutes while Paddy is
wondering what the hell he's doing. Eventually Paddy sticks his head around the door
and sees Mick running from bus to bus and looking very worried.
"What the hell are you doing Mick, get a move on!" to which Mick replies "I
can't find a number 7 anywhere Paddy" whereupon Paddy, holding his hands to his head
in disbelief, shouts "You idiot Mick, steal number 9 and we'll get off
at the roundabout and walk the rest of the way!"
From Imom5150
A pregnant woman gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6
months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the
doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl.
Your brother from Maryland came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "No, not my brother... he's an idiot!" She asks the
doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise."
"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"
"Denephew. |
