Little Johnny Does Math
From RAMAN!
Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father.

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2 x 3?' I said '6'"

"But that's right!"

"Then she asked me 'How much is 3 x 2?'"

"What's the freakin' difference?" asks the father.

"That's what I said."

Say What?
From derek_a_13!
One day during class a kindergarten teacher put blindfolds over their eyes. Then she gave them each a lifesaver and they had to guess what flavor it was. The next day she thought she would trick her class and give them honey flavored lifesavers. When nobody knew what flavor it was she said to them, "It is something your parents call each other." And a little boy stood up and shouted, "everybody spit them out, they are asswipes"!

Whack, Whack!
A 7 year boy and his 4 year old brother were upstairs in their bedroom.The 7 year old was explaining that it was high time that the two of them begin swearing. When his little brother responded enthusiastically, the 7 year old hatched the plan.
"When we go downstairs for breakfast this morning, I'll say 'Hell' and you say 'fat ass'." The 4 year old happily agreed.
As the two boys were seating themselves at the breakfast table, their mother walked in and asked her older son what he would like to eat for breakfast.
The 7 year old replied, "Ah, hell, mom, I'll have some Cheerios."
WHACK! The surprised mother reacted quickly. The boy ran upstairs,
bawling and rubbing his behind. With a sterner voice, the mother then turned to her younger son, "And what would YOU like for breakfast?"
"I don't know," the 4 year old blustered, "but you can bet your fat ass it ain't gonna be Cheerios."

The things kids say...
Never trust a dog to watch your food.
Patrick, Age 10

When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents.
Matthew,Age12

Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching.
Andrew, Age 9

Wear a hat when feeding seagulls.
Rocky, Age 9

Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning.
Stephanie, Age 8

Never try to hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
Rosemary, Age7

Don't flush the john when you dad's in the shower.
Lamar, Age 10

Never ask for anything that costs more than five dollars when your arents are doing taxes.
Carol, Age 9

Never bug a pregnant mom.
Nicholas, Age 11

Don't ever be too full for dessert.
Kelly, Age 10

When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him.
Heather, Age 16

Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
Michael, Age 14

Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
Joel, Age12

When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone.
Alyesha, Age 13

Never try to baptize a cat.
Laura, Age 13

Never do pranks at a police station.
Sam, Age 10

Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving.
Rob, Age 10

Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what Your mom told you to do.
Hank, Age 12

Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand.
Molly, Age 11

Listen to your brain. It has lots of information.
Chelsey, Age 7

Stay away from prunes.
Randy, Age 9

Never dare your little brother to paint the family car.
Phillip, Age 13

I Wanna Go Home!
Did you hear about the two little kids in a hospital who were laying next to each other? The first kid leans over and asked, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid said," I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid said," You've got nothing to worry about, I had that done to me once. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a piece of cake!"

The second kid then asked, "What are you in here for?"

The first kid responded, "Well, I'm here for a circumcision." The second kid said, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born.  I couldn't walk for a year!"

LITTLE JOHNNY
Sent in by Tyoung!
Little Johnny's mother decided to give her son an anatomy lesson one day, so she took off all of her clothes and pointed to her vagina, and said, "Johnny. This is where you came from."

Johnny went to school the next day smiling and insisting all his friends now refer to him as "Lucky Johnny."

"Why?" one asked.

Johnny held his fingers an inch apart and said, "Because I came this close to being a turd!"

Top 10 Summer Camps You Should NOT Send Your kids To:
10 - Tommy Lee's--------Camp Kickachickee
9 - Lorena Bobbit's----Camp Cutaweewee
8 - Tanya Harding's--Camp Whackaneenee
7 - Kenneth Starr's---Camp Catchacrookee
6 - Louis Farakahn's-----Camp Killawhitey
5 - O.J. Simpson's ------Camp Killachickee
4 - Michael Jackson's-Camp Grabbakiddie
3 - President Clinton's--Camp Getahoochie
2 - Ellen Degeneras's--Camp Lickacoochie

And The number 1 camp not to send your kid to:
1- Monica Lewinsky's -Camp Suckaweewee

Check
A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to his mother, "Mom, what's sex?"

His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject.

When she had finished, the lad produced an enrollment form which he had brought home from school and said, "Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?"

Toddler's Property Laws
1.) If I like it, it's mine.
2.) If it's in my hand, it's mine.
3.) If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4.) If I ad it a little while ago, it's mine.
5.) If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6.) If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
7.) If it looks like mine, it's mine.
8.) If I saw it first, it's mine.
9.) If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
10.) If it's broken, it's yours.

CHILDREN'S BOOKS YOU'LL NEVER SEE
From Neatwrite!
"You Were an Accident"
"Strangers Have the Best Candy"
"The Little Sissy Who Snitched"
"Some Kittens Can Fly!"
"Getting More Chocolate on Your Face"
"Where Would You Like to Be Buried?"
"Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"
"The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of
North Amer- Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!"
"All Dogs Go to Hell"
"The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"
"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It"
"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"
"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"
"Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?"
"Bi-Curious George"
"Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"
"Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver"
"You Are Different and That's Bad"
"Dad's New Wife Timothy"
"Pop! Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave Games"
"Testing Homemade Parachutes With Nothing At All But Your Household
Pets"
"The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad"
"Babe Meets the Taxidermist"
"Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence"
"The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables"
"Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Mom's Purse"
"The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy"
"Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will"
"The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead"
"How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School"
"Controlling the playground: Respect through Fear"

SIGNS THAT YOU ARE NO LONGER A KID
You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
You can live without sex but not without glasses.
Your back goes out more than you do.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
You are proud of your lawn mower.
Your best friend is dating someone half their age...and isn't breaking any laws.
Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
You sing along with the elevator music.
You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
You make an appointment to see the dentist.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
Neighbors borrow your tools.
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you ?"
You have a dream about prunes.
You answer a question with, "because I said so!"
You send money to PBS.
The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
You take a metal detector to the beach.
You wear black socks with sandals.
You know what the word "equity" means.
You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
Your ears are hairier than your head.
You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
You got cable for the weather channel.
(My uncle calls the Weather Channel "Old Folks MTV.")
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.