Married Jokes

Butt Measurements A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue." With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom. "Yes, I was right; your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!" The woman chose to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks. .............. She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?
~~~~~~
Wedded Bliss?
From SteveLWashickSr!
A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married 12 times.
On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride said to her new groom, "Please, promise to be gentle. I am still a virgin."
This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon. She responded:
"My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent our entire
marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, 'It's gonna be great!'
My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how
it was supposed to function, but he said he would send me documentation.
My third husband was from Field Services and constantly said that everything was diagnostically OK, but he just couldn't get the system up.
My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and he simply said, 'Those who can, do; those who can't, teach.'
My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department and said that he had the orders, but he wasn't quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver.
My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic
process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new
state-of-the-art method.
My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. His comments were
that he knew how, but he just wasn't sure whether or not it was his job.
My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations and told me that he
was up to the standards but that regulations said nothing about how to do it.
My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. He said, "I know I have the
product. I'm just not sure how to position it."
My tenth husband was a psychiatrist, and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it.
My eleventh husband was a gynecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it.
My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was...

...God I miss him!

So now I have married a lawyer, so now I know I'm going to finally get screwed."

Whud He Say?
Brought to you by LCo187!
An elderly couple was driving cross-country, and the woman was
driving.
She gets pulled over by the highway patrol.
The officer said, "ma'am did you know you were speeding?"
The woman turns to her husband and asks "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING."
The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"
The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE."
The woman gives him her license.
The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once, had the worst sex with a woman I have ever had."
The woman turns to her husband and asks "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU."

Don't Move!
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said,"stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then    she dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly.
"The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even   later that night when they went to sleep.

Around two in the morning the husband got out   of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

Turn Around
A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk that although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him that $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager.

The manager listens to the man and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. He also explains that they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," explains the manager.

No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"

The manager is unmoved and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the manager.

The manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100."

"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the manager.

"Well," the man replies, " she was here, and you could have."

Happy Birthday!
From l&sberglund!
Two weeks ago, it was my 45th birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot when I got up that morning anyway. I went into my breakfast knowing that my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday" and probably have a present for me, but she didn't even say, "Good Morning."

I said, "Well, that's a wife for you, the children will remember."

The children came into breakfast and didn't say a word. When I started to the office I was feeling very low and despondent.

As I walked into my office, Janet said, "Good Morning, boss... Happy Birthday." Then I felt a little better that someone remembered.

I worked until noon. About noon she knocked at the door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday. Let's go out to lunch - just you and me." So I said, "That's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go."

We went to lunch. We didn't go to the place we usually went to. Instead we went to a little place in the country, which was more private. We had two martinis, and lunch was tremendous. We enjoyed it a lot. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. Do we have to go back to the office?" I said, "No, I guess not."

She said, "Let's go over to my apartment and I'll fix you another martini." We went to her apartment. After our martini she said, "If you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and change into something more comfortable." I said, "OK" as I didn't mind a bit.

She went into the bedroom, and in about five minutes she came out of the bedroom carrying a large birthday cake, followed by my wife and children, and they were all singing "Happy Birthday".

And there I sat with nothing on but my socks!

I like her style...
Thanks Mom!
A newly married sailor was informed by the navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year. A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter.

"My love," he wrote "we are going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and there's really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that we're constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not tempted? "

So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying, "why don't you learn to play this?"

Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife. "Darling" he said, " I can't wait to get you into bed so that we make passionate love!"

She kissed him and said, "First let's see you play that harmonica."

Do You See?
Sent in by JulesZigan!
A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."
He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a "G.E." logo printed on my forehead?"
"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right." To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have "Westinghouse" written on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."
"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have "Ace Hardware" written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!!"
So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out.
As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"
She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake."
He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?" She replied,
"Hellooooooo........ Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?

From Lisa0063!
A father and his young son went into a drug store to pick up a prescription. While there the little boy looked around and saw
a large display for condoms. He looked at all the brightly colored packages, different types and quantities. The little boy went to his father and asked "Daddy, what are these condoms?"
The father said, "Well, they are for protection from diseases when a man and a woman make love."
The little boy contemplated the concept for a few moments and then asked "Then why do these come in a package of three?"

"Those are for young men in high school. One for Friday night, one for Saturday night and one for Sunday afternoon."

"UH-HUH" said the little boy, "then why are these in packages of six?"
"Those are for young men in college. There are two for Friday night, two for Saturday night and two for Sunday afternoon."
"WOW" said the little boy in amazement. "Then why are these packaged a dozen at a time?"
The father answered "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February..."

What are these?
From Lisa0063!
A father and his young son went into a drug store to pick up a prescription. While there the little boy looked around and saw a large display for condoms. He looked at all the brightly colored
packages, different types and quantities. The little boy went to his
father and asked "Daddy, what are these condoms?"
The father said, "Well, they are for protection from diseases when a man and a woman make love."
The little boy contemplated the concept for a few moments and then asked "Then why do these come in a package of three?"

"Those are for young men in high school. One for Friday night, one for Saturday night and one for Sunday afternoon."

"UH-HUH" said the little boy, "then why are these in packages of six?"
"Those are for young men in college. There are two for Friday night, two for Saturday night and two for Sunday afternoon." "WOW" said the little boy in amazement. "Then why are these
packaged a dozen at a time?"
The father answered "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February..."

...loves me...
"I'm worried that I'm losing my wife's love," the husband told the counselor.
"Has she started to neglect you?"
"Not at all," the dejected man replied. "She meets me at the door with a cold drink and a warm kiss. My shirts are always ironed, she's a great cook, the house is always neat, she keeps the kids out of my hair. She lets me choose the television shows we watch and she never objects to kinky sex or says she has a headache."
"So what's the problem?"
"Maybe I'm just being too sensitive," the husband ventured,but at night, when she thinks I'm sleeping, she puts her lips close to my ear and whispers, 'Die! Die, you son of a bitch!'

Horse Trader Little Johnny's back! Little John attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, John asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
John, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."
~~~~~~
Man of the House
The husband had just finished reading the book, MAN OF THE HOUSE.
He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know
that I am the man of this house, and my word is law!
I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished
eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after
dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax.
And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and
comb my hair?"
His wife replied, "The funeral director?"

From Boyle!
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a black baby?
They named him Sum Ting Wong

Knot Enough
This knotty one comes from Slayergirl1!
One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. After the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road, the new bride sees two cows having sex. The new bride asks with a sly grin, "What are they doing honey?" The husband answers, "They're roping!" She replies, "Oh, I see!" while trying to hide her knowing expression.
After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex. Again the bride asks, "What are they doing honey?" The husband answers, "They are roping!" She replies, "Oh I see!"
Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they started to explore each others body. The bride discovers her husbands privates.
"What is that?" she asks.
"That's my rope," he answers.
She slides her hands down further and gasps,
"What are those?" she asks
"They are my knots," he answers.
Finally the couple begins to make love. After several minutes the bride says, "Stop, honey, wait a minute!"
Her husband asks, "What's the matter honey, am I hurting you?"
"No," the bride replies, "undo those knots, I need more rope!"

I Do
From anelea55!
There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.

The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money.
She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I
bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."

The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests
the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money. He finally decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.

Talkin' Big
There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"

The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

The first two guys were amazed. "Wow! What happened then?" they asked.

The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered, "She said, "'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man."

Men, you'll love this!
I, the undersigned, a female accepting a marriage proposal, agree that...

Section 1. In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you've drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for five *whole* minutes, wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one.

Section 1.01 And it'll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like "So THIS is what hot monkey love is all about!" and howling like a cat that's being repeatedly jabbed with a pin.

Section 1.02 I will never ask for more *foreplay*.

Section 2. I fully understand that a woman's main role in any relationship is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your football team loses, I agree that - by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to woman - it will be my fault. Even if I wasn't there.

Section 3. Whenever my friends and I get together for a girl's night out, I will tell them that you are better hung than a large-balled Himalayan yak, and an elephant would jealous of your genitalia.

Section 3.01 I shall mention *often* your sexual prowess and longevity in the bedroom.

Section 3.02 And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.

Section 4. After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as "making love"), I will not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face.

Section 4.01 I will never, ever give your penis a "cute" nickname.

Section 5. In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel sexual position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there, grinning.

Section 5.01 I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you if any of them have the slightest bi-sexual tendencies. Then I'll invite them around for dinner. And hide their car keys so they have to stay.

Section 5.02 I promise to work out at the gym for two hours a day in order to keep my body sexually desirable to you, even though your intake of beer may cause your gut to swell to proportions of a nine-month pregnancy.

Section 5.03 I promise never to bring up your hair loss and the fact that a baby's butt and/or honeydew melon is somewhat similar.

Section 5.04 I promise to shave every *possible* inch of my body, and will always love your *weekend* beard...

Section 6. After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And if men attempt to talk to me, I will solemnly inform them that you have "ruined me for other men".

Section 6. I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer games, and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you're in charge of anything *mechanical*.

Section 6.01 With the exception of the following household items: iron, washing machine and dryer, stove, refrigerator, garbage disposal, garbage can, vacuum cleaner, diapers and toilets.

Being of sound mind and body, I enter this relationship contract.

Chinese Couple Wedding Night
sent in by LCo187!
A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin.
On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses.
He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring: "My darring, I know dis you firt time and you flighten...I plomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting you want. What you want?" "I wanna numma 69" she replies.
"You wanna beef with bloccolli?"

Poppin' 'em out!
A young woman married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She soon married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally croaked.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord above, thanking him for this loving woman who fulfilled his commandment to "Go forth and multiply." In his final eulogy, he noted,
"Thank you Lord, they're finally together."

Leaning over to his neighbor, one mourner asked...
"Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"
The other mourner then replied... "I think he
means her legs."

Click!
The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to . . ."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."

"Oh my god !! " Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

Yes," the photographer said, "and for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I had to rush. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, ah.... equipment?"

"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod??" Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam? . . . Good
Lord, she's fainted!!"

Bingo!
Sent in byLisa0063
Ben's wife walks in at 2AM with a brand new mink coat.
"Where did you get the coat?" Ben says.
"I won it playing bingo. Could you please fill the bathtub, I want to soak?"
Two days later at 3AM, Ben's wife walks in with a gorgeous diamond ring. "Where did you get that ring" Ben says.
"I won it playing bingo. Could you please fill the bathtub, I want to soak?"
Following week Ben's wife pulls up in a new Mercedes at 3AM. "Where did you get the new car?"
"I won it playing bingo. Could you fill the tub for me, I want to soak?"
She goes to the bathroom to find about an inch of water in the tub.
"Ben, how come there's only one inch of water in the bathtub?"
Ben says, "I didn't want to get your bingo card wet".