Great
Ways to Have an Extra-Special Time At Wal*Mart!
1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling
them and stranding them at strategic locations.
2. Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they don't realize it.
3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
4. Run up to an employee (preferably a male) while squeezing your legs together and
practically yell at him, "I need some tampons."
5. Try on bras over top of your clothes.
6. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor, leading to the restrooms.
7. While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible "I smell sex
and candy"
8. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code
3 in housewares," and see what happens.
9. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to
"10."
10. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
SteveLWashickSr has the stage
Have you heard about the new Mint flavored birth control pill
for women than can be taken immediately before sex? They're called
"Predickamints."
Q. What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?
A. The pickpocket snatches your watch.
Q. What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A. 45 lbs.
Q. What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A. 45 minutes.
Q. How are women and rocks alike?
A. You skip the flat ones.
Q. Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
A. It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy.
Q. What would you call a lesbian with thick fingers?
A. Well-hung.
Q. What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A. Humpme Dumpme.
Future historians will be able to study at the Gerald Ford Library, the James Carter
Library, the Ronald Reagan Library and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
Another from Boyle!
What's the definition of mixed emotions?
When you see you're mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
What's the height of conceit?
Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
What's the definition of macho?
Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with the
other is used to carry groceries.
Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
Because it scares the hell out of the dog.
How do you double the value of a Yugo?
You fill it with gas.
What do the LAPD and the Green Bay Packers have in common?
Neither of them can stop a Bronco.
Have you heard George Michael's new song?
It's called Zip Me Up Before You Go Go.
I walked in a bar the other day and ordered a double -
The bartender brings out a guy who looks just like me.
What is forty foot long and has eight teeth?
The front row at a Willie Nelson concert.
What's the difference between a lawyer and God?
od doesn't think he's a lawyer.
What's the weather like in Tahoe?
Gloomy all over and Sonny around one tree.
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What is 8 straight days of oral sex?
Hanukkah Lewinsky.
You Might Be InThe Medical Field if:
Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you.
Your idea of a good time is a full code at shift change.
You find humor in other people's stupidity.
You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac.
Your idea of comforting a child is placing him in a papoose restraint.
You believe that "shallow gene pool" should be a diagonsis.
You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce.
You believe unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, "boy, it sure is quiet
around here!"
You have ever refered to a patients death as a transfer to the Eternal Care Unit.
You hate working the night shift on a full moon night.
You have ever had to leave a patient's room before you began laughing uncontrollably.
You think caffeine should be available in IV form.
You have ever restrained somebody and it was not a sexual experience.
Your most commonly uttered phrase after midnight is: "What changed tonight at 2am,
that makes this an emergency after 6 months?
You believe that "Too Stupid to Live" should be a diagnosis.
You believe that the waiting room should be supplied with a Valium saltlick.
You have your weekends off marked and planned for a year.
You have been exposed to so many x-rays that you don't really have to worry about birth
contol.
You encourage an obnoxious patient to sign out AMA so that you don't have to deal with
them.
You have ever bet on blood alchohol levels.
A DOG NAMED SEX
A classic from Jsegar1!
Everybody who has a dog calls him Rover or
Boy. I call mine Sex. He's a great pal, but he has caused me a great deal of
embarrassment. When I went to City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would
like a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like one too!"
Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like.
Then I said, "You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was nine years old."
He winked and said, "You must have been quite a kid."
When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me.
I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex.
He said, "You don't need a special room. As long as you pay your bill we don't care
what you do."
I said, "Look, you don't seem to understand. Sex keeps me awake at night."
The clerk said, "Funny - I have the same problem."
One day I entered Sex into a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away.
Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there, looking disappointed. I told
him I planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said,
"Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married."
The judge said, "This courtroom isn't a confessional. Stick to the case, please.
Last night, Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over
to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at four o'clock in the
morning?" I told him I was looking for Sex. My case comes up Friday.
Miranda Rights For New York City
1. You have the right to swing first. Anything you do
can and will lead to an ass-kicking.
2. You have the right to have a priest and/or an EMT present at the time of the
ass-kicking.
3. If you don't have a priest, one will be appointed free of charge, to read you your last
prayer.TOP 10 REJECTED
‘NEW’ SLOGANS FOR THE MOTEL 6
Boyle again!
10. We’re working on that smell thing,
too.
9. Because you deserve better than the backseat of some car.
8. As seen on “COPS!”
7. If we’d known you were staying all night, we’d have changed the sheets.
6. Not just for ‘nooners’ anymore.
5. You rented the room, now buy the video!
4. We’ll leave the Lysol for ya!
3. Hey, we’re not the Ritz; but just try bringing your secretary there on your
salary, pal!
2. Blurring the line between stains and avant garde sheet art since 1962!
And, the #1 Rejected ‘New’ Slogan For Motel 6 -
1. Official Lodging of the 1998 Florida Marlins!
Creative Advertising Slogans
From LCo187!
On an Electrician's truck: "Let us
remove your shorts."
Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."
In a Non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take
appropriate action."
On Maternity Room door: "Push, Push, Push."
On a Front Door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."
At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place."
On a Scientist's door: "Gone Fission"
On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
At a Used Car Lot: "Second-hand cars in first crash condition."
Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."
Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."
In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium: "Drop your pants here."
On a desk in a Reception Room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just
left."
In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
On a Music Teacher's door: "Out Chopin."
Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."
In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
You've had it...
From KJACKSON!
An explorer in the deepest Amazon
suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the
situation, he says quietly to himself "Oh God, I'm fucked." There is a ray of
light from heaven and a voice booms out: "No you are NOT fucked. Pick up that stone
at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."
So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living shit out of the chief.
As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with
a look of shock on their faces, God's voice booms out again: "Okay ..... NOW you're
fucked."
Slurp!
Sent in by cu!
I've always ordered beverages one simple way: "A Coke, please." Lately, though,
this hasn't seemed to work. Waitresses now often respond, "I'm sorry, we don't have
Coke. We have Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, Dr. Pepper, Mr. Pibb."
Tired of listening to the long list of soft drinks, I thought I'd make life easier. So one
day I simply asked the snackbar clerk at a movie theater for a "dark, carbonated
beverage."
The young man behind the counter chuckled and asked, "Ma'am, would you like a
cylindrical plastic sucking device with that?
Things Confucius didn't say.
Passionate kiss like spider's web -
soon lead to undoing of fly.
Virginity like bubble. One prick - all gone.
Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man trapped in whore house get jerked around.
Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk!
Panties not bast thing on earth, but next to it.
Woman who wear G-string, high on crack.
War doesn't determine who's right, War determines who's left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
Man who sleep in cathouse by day, sleep in doghouse by night.
Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.
If you park, don't drink, accidents cause people.
It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who sit on tack get point.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!
Man who lives in glass house should change in basement.
He who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.
Learn as if you will live forever; live as if you will die tomorrow
|
AMAZING
SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
1. AVOID
CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO
HOLD THE
VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING
THE SINK.
3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A
FEW MINUTES,
THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A
TIMER.
4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM
ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE
AFRAID TO COUGH.
6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE
AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
DAILY THOUGHT:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING
A SMILE TO
YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.
Another
from LCo187!
Bob, a lawyer, was driving home over the Golden Gate
Bridge after spending a great day out on the ocean fishing. His catch, cleaned and
filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger side floor.
He was late getting home and was speeding...wouldn't you know, a cop
jumped out, radar gun in hand, motioned him to the side of the bridge. Bob pulled over
like a good citizen. The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how
fast you were going, BOY?"
Bob thought for a second and said, "Uhh, 60?"
"67 mph, son! 67 mph in a 55 zone!" said the cop.
"But if you already knew, officer" replied Bob, "Why did you ask me?"
Fuming over Bob's answer, the officer growled, in his normal sarcastic fashion,
"That's speeding, and you're getting a ticket and a fine!" The cop took a good
close look at Bob, in his stained fishing attire and said, "You don't even look like
you have a job! Why, I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"
Bob answered, "I've got a job! I have a good, well-paying job!"
The cop leaned in the window, smelling Bob's fish catch, said, "What kind of a job
would a bum like you have?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher!" replied Bob.
"What you say, BOY?" asked the patrolman.
"I'm a rectum stretcher!"
The cop, scratching his head, asked, "What does a rectum stretcher do?"
Bob explained, "People call me up and say they need to be stretched, so I go over to
their house. I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, and then one whole
hand, then two. Then I slowly pull them
farther and farther apart until it's a full six feet across."
The cop, absorbed with these bizarre images in his mind, asked, "What
the hell do you do with a six foot asshole?"
Bob nonchalantly answered, "You give it a radar gun and stick it at the end of a
bridge!"
From LCo187!
A guy applied to join a nudist club. "Exactly
what do you do here?" he
asked. "It's quite simple," said the club secretary, "We take off all
our clothes and commune with nature." "Cool," said the guy, "...count
me in!!!" So he paid his membership fee, took off his gear and strolled
off. As he walked along a path, he saw a big sign which read, "Beware of
Gays." A little further along he saw another sign which read the same
thing "Beware of Gays." He continued walking until he came to a small
clearing which had a bronze plaque set in the ground. He bent over to
read the plaque and it said, "Sorry,... You've had two warnings"
SIGNS OF LIFE
(From BOYLE!)
On a ski lift in Taos, NM— No jumping
from the lift. Survivors will be prosecuted.
Official sign near door— Door Alarmed.
Handprinted sign nearby— Window frightened.
Guys— No shirt, No service.
Girls— No shirt, No charge.
Road sign seen on Cyprus (translation of the Greek)— Caution: Road Slippery from
Grape juice.
A sign advertising a Company wide skiing race— Let’s see who can go downhill the
fastest.
Sign in King’s Canyon in California— Slow Parking Ahead.
MORE OF AN AD THAN A SIGN, but...
A billboard seen next to the highway, traveling from Johannesburg
International Airport into town. An Ad for BMW showing a photo of a BMW 328i convertible
with the roof and all the windows down. The caption reads— Our hardware runs better
without WINDOWS!!!
Two signs found on top of one another in a country kitchen several years
ago...
————> Restrooms ————>
Please wait for hostess to seat you.
Sign in front of church in Montpelier, VT— Bingo Friday night at 8:00 pm -
Quickies Thursday at 7:30 pm.
Seen in a health food store— Shoplifters will be beaten over the head with an organic
carrot.
Children left unattended will be towed at parents expense.
I went to a little hole in the wall restaurant where the sign read— Women are not
served here... You have to bring your own.
Sign in a Laundromat— Please remove all of your clothes when the light goes out.
Sign outside a secondhand shop— We exchange anything! Why not bring your wife along
and get a wonderful bargain!
Sign outside a travel agency— Why Don’t You Just Go Away!
Sign in a London department store— Bargain Basement Upstairs
Things to do when you're bored:
Sent in by Tyoung!
In the middle of the night,
noisily bury a fully dressed mannequin in your backyard.
Arrange lawn furniture on the fresh mound and sit down in it quickly when the police
arrive.
Go to a hospital. When a surgeon comes out of a successful transplant procedure, pour a
big bucket of icy Gatorade over his head while cheering "Way to go!"
In the bathroom at work, utter loud, pain-racked screams that carry. Emerge from the
washroom holding a large hen's egg. Wipe your brow, smile and walk away.
Fill an inflate-a-date with helium and release it at rush hour on a windy day. Chase it
down the street, yelling "Come back here you tramp!"
Show up at a DNA paternity testing service. Insist on confidentiality; they'll reassure
you.
Bring a blood sample from the family pet.
At an art museum, pretend to be blind (big dark sunglasses, white cane...dog helps too)
and fondle all the sculptures. Tilt your head quizically whenever you touch the marble
genitalia and then give a cry of delighted surprise.
Shout "Pingo!" or "Dingo!" at an arbitrary point in a church bingo
game. When the other players get mad, explain that it's really their mistake.
Wash out a gas can and punch a hole in it, fill it with water and carry it down a busy
lunch hour sidewalk while smoking the biggest cigar you can find.
State Mottos
From: IHTRUCKS!
Alabama: at least We aint Mississippi
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!
Arizona: But It's a Dry Heat
Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing
California: As Seen on TV
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character
Delaware: We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, Maybe Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real
Good
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana: Tidal Wave Free for 2 Billion Years And Counting...
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians
Minnesota: "10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000 Mosquitoes"
Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and Very Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Whores and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want a %#!*%$ Motto? I Got Yer &%$@#$ Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney...
North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really are One of the 50 States!
Ohio: We Wish We Were In Michigan
Oklahoma: Like the Play, only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I speak English)
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family -- Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut Our Cheese
Wyoming: Wynot?
Boo!
A modest man was in the hospital for a
series of tests. One of the last tests has left his system upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom he decided the latest was another
and stayed put.
He then filled his bed with human waste and was embarrassed beyond anything he could
possibly face.
Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out
the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling,
cussing, and swinging his arms wildly which left the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at
his feet.
As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a security guard who had watched the
whole incident walked up and asked "What the hell was that all about? Still staring
down, the drunk replied: "I just beat the shit out of a ghost!"
An Egg's Life
Sent in by awesomekat
Think your life is bad? Just think how bad the life of an egg
is....
You only get laid once. You only get eaten once. It takes four minutes to get hard. Two
minutes to get soft. You share the box with eleven others.
And the only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother.
Now don't you feel better!!! |
