Latest terms to add to your vocabulary in the late 90's office
environment:
Assmosis
The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to
the boss.
Blamestorming
Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline
was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.
Seagull Manager
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, shits
over everything and then leaves.
Salmon day
The experience of spending an entire day swimming
upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
Chainsaw consultant
An outside expert brought in to reduce the
employee head count, leaving the brass with clean hands.
CLM
Career Limiting Move - Used among microserfs to
describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a
serious CLM.
(Also known as CLB - Career Limiting Behavior)
Adminisphere
The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that
fall from the
adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or
irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
Dilberted
To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the
geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised
the specs for the fourth time this week."
Flight Risk
Used to describe employees who are suspected of
planning to leave the company or department soon.
404
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web
error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the
requested document could not be located. "Don't bother
asking him . . . he's 404, man."
Ohnosecond
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
Percussive Maintenance
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
Prairie Dogging
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a
"cube farm" (an office full of cubicles) and everyone's heads pop up over the
walls to see what's going on.
~~~~~~
TOP TEN Actual E-mail
Addresses
10. Hellen Thomas Eatons (Duke University) - eatonsht@dku.edu
9. Martha Elizibeth Cummins (Fresno University) - cumminme@fu.edu
8. George David Blowmer (Drop Front Drawers & Cabinets Inc.) -
blowmegd@dropdrawers.com
7. Mary Ellen Dickinson (Indiana University of Pennsylvania) - dickinme@iup.edu
6. Francis Kevin Kissinger (Las Verdes University) - kissinfk@lvu.edu
5. Barbara Joan Beeranger (Myplace Home Decorating) -beeranbj@myplace.com
4. Amanda Sue Pickering (Purdue University) - aspicker@pu.edu
3. Ida Beatrice Ballinger (Ball State University) - ibballin@bsu.edu
2. Bradley Thomas Kissering (Brady Electrical, Northern Div, OvertonCanada)
-btkisser@bendover.com
1. Isabelle Haydon Adcock (Toys "R" Us) - i.h.adcock@tru.com |
**USEFUL
WORK PHRASES
1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.
6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
8. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
11. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
12. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
13. No, my powers can only be used for good.
14. How about never? Is never good for you?
15. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
16. You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.
17. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
18. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
19. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
20. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
21. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
22. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
23. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
24. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
25. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
26. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
~~~~~~
In the beginning, there was the Plan.
Sent to us by boyle!
And then came the Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without form, And the Plan was without substance.
And darkness was upon the face of the Workers And they spoke among themselves
saying, "It's a crock of shit, and it stinks."
And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, "It is a pail of dung,
and we can't live with the smell."
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers saying, "It is a container of
excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it."
And the Managers went unto their Directors saying, "It is a vessel of
fertilizer, and none may abide it's strength."
And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another, "It contains
that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."
And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents saying unto them, "It promotes
growth, and it is very powerful."
And the Vice Presidents went to the President saying unto him, "This new plan
will actively promote growth, and vigor of the company with very powerful
effects."
And the President looked upon the Plan, and said that it was good, And the
Plan became Policy.
And this is what it's like to work for the big guys!
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