Bill Clinton, Al Gore and George W. Bush went to a fitness spa for some fun.
After a stimulating, healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the men's
room where they found a strange-looking gent sitting at the
entrance.
He said: "Welcome to the gentlemen's room. Be sure to check out our newest
feature, a mirror that, when you look into it and say something
truthful, will reward you with your wish. But be warned, if you
say something false, you will be sucked into the mirror to live in a void of
nothingness for all eternity!"
The three men quickly entered and upon finding the mirror, Bill Clinton
stepped up and said, "I think I'm the most intelligent of us all," and he
suddenly found the keys to a brand new Bentley in his hands.
Al Gore stepped up and said, "I think I'm the most ambitious of us all," and
in an instant, he was surrounded by a pile of money to
fund his next Presidential Campaign.
Excited over the possibility of finally having a wish come true, George
W. Bush looked into the mirror and said, "I think...," and was
instantly sucked into the mirror.
Titles for Monica's Book
Another Boyle Joke!
1. I Suck At My Job
2. What Really Goes Down in the White House
3. How I blew it in Washington
4. You have to work hard to find the softer side of the President
5. Testing the Limits of the Gag Rule
6. Going Back for Gore
7. Podium Girl
8. Secret Services to the President
9. Harass is not two words: The Story of Bill Clinton
10. Deep inside the Oval Office
11. She's Chief of MY staff
12. Al Gore is in command for the next 30 minutes
13. How to Beat off the government
14. Going Down and Moving Up
15. Members of the Presidential Cabinet
16. Me and my big mouth
17. How to get ahead in business
Is She?
Another from Boyle
Hillary and Chelsea are sitting around the table having a
mother/daughter talk.
Hillary asks Chelsea, "You have been going to college for awhile
now. Have you had sex yet?"
Chelsea says, "Well, not according to Dad."
Sent in by LCo187!
This little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What
is politics?" Dad says,
"Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the
family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of
the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so
we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider
her Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now,
think about that and see if that makes sense." So the little boy goes off
to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his
baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby
has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his
mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the
door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives
up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, Ithink I understand the
concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words
what you think politics is all about".
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working
Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored
and the Future is in deep shit."
TOP 10 LIST OF SONGS TO REPLACE
"HAIL TO THE CHIEF" WHEN INTRODUCING PRESIDENT CLINTON:
LOL to Boyle's send in!
Number 10 - "Tell Me Lies, Tell Me
Sweet Little Lies", by Fleetwood Mac
Number 9 - "Afternoon Delight", by Star Land Vocal Band
Number 8 - "Your Cheatin' Heart", by Hank Williams
Number 7 - "Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places"
Number 6 - "Jive Talkin'" by the Bee Gees
Number 5 - "Honesty (is Such a Lonely Word)" by Billy Joel
Number 4 - "(You Can't Hide Your)Lying Eyes", by The Eagles
Number 3 - "Ocean Front Property (in Arizona)", by George Strait
Number 2 - "I'd Lie to You for Your Love", by The Bellamy Brothers
And THE NUMBER ONE song to replace "Hail to the Chief" when President Clinton is
introduced:
Number 1 - "Devil with the Blue Dress" by Mitch Ryder & the Detroit Wheels The European Union commissioners have
announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for
European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had
some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased
plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).
In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c".
Sertainly, sivil servants will reseive this news with joy. Also, the hard "c"
will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but
typewriters kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome
"ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like
"fotograf" 20 persent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the
stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments
will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate
speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is
disgrasful, and they would go.
By the forth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by
"z" and "w" by "v".
During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining
"ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or
difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.
Ze drem vil finali kum tru.
Charlie73 writes,
Clinton's New National Anthem:
'YANK MY DOODLE IT'S A DANDY"
Subject: Added taxes.....
Sent in by LCo187 !
The only thing the I.R.S. has not taxed
is the penis. This is due to the fact that 40%
of the time it's hanging around unemployed, 20% of the time it's pissed off, 30% of the
time it's hard up and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of all this, it has two
dependents and they are both nuts.
Accordingly, starting January 1, 1998, penises will be taxed according to size. To
determine the category, please consult the chart below and confirm this information\
on Page 2, Section 7, Line 3 of the standard 1040P form.
If tape measure is not available, please use the handy cut out sizer in
the back of your tax booklet. (NOTE: the IRS is not responsible For paper cuts)
10 to 12 Inches Luxury Tax $50.00
8 to 9.99 Inches Poll Tax $30.00
6 to 7.99 Inches Privilege Tax $15.00
4 to 5.99 Inches Nuisance Tax $ 5.00
PLEASE NOTE: Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund.
PLEASE DO NOT REQUEST AN EXTENSION.
* Males exceeding 12 inches must file Capital Gains.
Sincerely,
Pecker Checker
Internal Revenue Service |
From Rudedog367!
So Bill Clinton and Al Gore are talking one day and Bill says...."you
know Al, me and Hillary have not had good sex in such a long time....I wonder what I could
do to fix this problem"
Al Gore responds," well you know Bill me and Tipper used to have the same problem
till we saw a marriage counselor who told us that maybe finding a consenting couple that
we know well and swaping partners would be a sure way to get some fire back in the
bedroom.."
"what a good idea" said Bill, "are you thinking what I'm thinking?do you
think
our wives would go for it?"
"I think so" said Al with a mischievious look on his face......
so they swapped partners for one night of unbridled passion, no punches
pulled-anything-goes type of sex........
Next morning Bill says to Al "so how do you think it went for Hillary and
Tipper?"
HOW WILL YOU VOTE?
It is time to elect a world leader, and your vote counts.
Here's the scoop on the three leading candidates.
Candidate A: associates with ward heelers and consults with astrologists. He's had two
mistresses. He chain smokes and drinks 8
to 10 martinis a day.
Candidate B: was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and
drinks a quart of brandy every evening.
Candidate C: is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an
occasional beer and hasn't had any illicit affairs.
Which of these candidates is your choice??
Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt
Candidate B is Winston Churchill
Candidate C is Adolf Hitler
The President's letter to John Hinckley:
Sent in by MRITESLA!
Mr. John Hinckley
St. Elizabeth's Hospital
Washington D.C.
Dear John,
Hillary and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the
great strides you are making in your
recovery. In our Country's new spirit of understanding and forgiveness we want you to know
there is a bilateral consensus
of compassion and forgiveness abroad throughout the land.
Hillary and I want you to know that no grudge is born against you for shooting President
Reagan. We, above all are aware of how the mental stress and pain could have driven you to
such an act of desperation. Hillary and I are confident that you will soon make a complete
recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive
young man, and at that time I'll consider a full pardon.
Best wishes,
Bill Clinton
P.S. Ken Starr is screwing Jodie Foster.
Letters to Dear Bill
Dear Bill:
As a fellow Southern Baptist, I can sympathize with your predicament. Although when I was
president I merely lusted in my heart, I have to admit that had I served another term, my
lust might have broken free and moved down my body, God bless you in this time of trial.
Jimmy Carter
Dear Bill:
OK, so I'll never be president, but at least Donna Rice was a fox. What's more, I want to
say this to the American people. Unlike you I HAD a relationship with that woman!
Gary Hart
My Dear Chap:
This is a bit of a sticky wicket, but if I were you, I should ask that charming Jay Leno
fellow to see you through. Pop onto his show, admit that you made an ass of yourself and
all will be forgiven.
Hugh Grant
Bill:
They entrapped me, they framed me, they caught me in a motel with drugs and a prostitute,
but I bounced back and so can you!!
Mayor Marion Berry
Dear Bill:
Look at the bright side. At least you weren't caught wearing Monica's thong underwear. By
the way, did you catch my sports show? I'm back on TV for the fall.
Marv Albert
Dear Mr. President:
You may have noticed that I've been opposing the impeachment bandwagon on you behalf. This
is a way of showing my gratitude for creating the greates pick-up line in years, namely
that oral copulation doesn't constitute sex. Just today I have already used it
successfully four times and it's not even 10:00 A.M. Warm personal regards,
Barney Frank
Dear Bill:
Hang in there, pal! By the way, Kathie Lee sends Hillary her regards and invites her to
come on her show anytime.
Frank Gifford
Dear Mr. President:
Now I'm on the Supreme Court. I'm here for life! And there's nothing anyone can do about
it!! So there!
Justice Clarence Thomas
Dear Former Worthy Opponent:
Whoo, Boy! All I can say is, Bob Dole would never have gotten himself into this mess. Not
Bob Dole! Not before Viagra, anyway!
Bob Dole
Dear Mr. President:
I think it's terrible what they are doing to you, and I want you to know that if you need
to get away form it all, you're welcome to bring Buddy and stay with me on my Wonderland
Ranch for as long as you want. I'll move the Cub Scout Pack to a tent on the lawn and you
can have their room.
Michael Jackson
Dear Fellow Sinner:
Jesus forgives you and so do I.
Rev. Jimmy Swaggart
Dear Bill:
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Jim Bakker
P.S. Jessica sends regards and wants to get together with you sometime.
Dear Bill:
Next time ( if there is a next time), don't let them get you on tape. Big mistake! With
sympathy,
Rob Lowe
Dear Bill
I know things look bad ofr you now, but take it from me -the American public is very
forgiving and one day it will all be just water under the bridge.
Regards,
Senator Edward Kennedy
Dear Bill:
Things were grim for a while, but now it looks like I might actually manage to marry my
darling Camilla, and someday I'll be King! Funny how life turns out. So keep a stiff upper
lip! (And relax everything else, haha! And they say I don't have a sense of humor). As we
British say, keep your pecker up!!
HRH Charles Windsor, Prince of Wales
Dear Mr. President:
We invite you to be the cover subject or our next issue.
Editor, Cigar magazineGovernment
Organization
A government organization is like a tree full
of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels, some climbing up, some fooling
around, some simply just idling.
The monkeys on top look down
and see a tree full of smiling faces.
The monkeys on the bottom look up
and see nothing but assholes. |
