REDNECK MEDICAL TERMS
Benign.........What you be after you be eight.
Artery...........The study of paintings.
Bacteria........Back door to cafeteria.
Barium.........What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section........A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan........Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize.....Made eye contact with her.
Colic.............A sheep dog.
Coma............A punctuation mark.
D&C..............Where Washington is.
Dilate............To live long.
Enema..........Not a friend.
Fester...........Quicker than someone else.
Fibula...........A small lie.
Genital.........Non-Jewish person.
G.I.Series.....World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail......What you hang your coat on.
Impotent......Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain....Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff....A Doctor's cane.
Morbid............A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates..........Cheaper than day rates.
Node..............I knew it.
Outpatient.....A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear...A fatherhood test.
Pelvis...........Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative....A letter carrier.
Recovery Room...Place to do upholstery.
Rectum..........Damn near killed him.
Secretion.....Hiding something
Seizure.........Roman emperor.
Tablet............A small table.
Terminal Illness...Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor......More than one.
Urine......Opposite of you're out
Varicose......Near by/close byA guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orders a Grape Nehi.
Surprised, the bartender looks around and says "You ain't from around here... where
you from, boy?".
The guy says, "I'm from Pennsylvania."
The bartender asks, "What do you do up in Pennsylvania?"
The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... what the hell is a taxidermist?"
The guy says "I mount dead animals."
The bartender smiles and shouts to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us.
A groaner from LCo187!
Three Hillbillies are sitting on their porch
in Arkansas. One says; Boy is my wife dumb. She's so stupid that she went shoppin today
and bought an air-conditioner. Hell, we ain't got electricity!
Then the other guy says; ah that ain't nothin, my wifes dumber than that! She went shoppin
yesterday and had a washin machine delivered.
They all laughed and laughed, why nobody around here has plumbing!
The third Hillbilly said; well, I reckon my womans got to be the dumbest. Just this
morning I was looking in her purse for some change and found six condoms. Hell, she ain't
got no penis!
Rednecks...
(From MAHLEE!)
Long before the first beer can hat was donned, the first cherry-bomb muffler installed, or
the first pop-top bracelet created, Rednecks roamed the earth.
Nobody knows exactly where they came from or who the first one was.
Maybe they descended from a caveman who liked to scratch a lot while admiring the
prehistoric kill of the day, or maybe a Roman soldier who put taps on
his sandals and fuzzy dice on his chariot. Regardless of their roots, today they not only
survive, they flourish.
A common misconception is that Rednecks are confined to warmer climates and speak with a
southern accent, but nothing could be further from the truth.
Rednecks are very durable characters and can adapt to any climate (with the help of
flannel and chenille).
Redneck is not a term of derision; it's a state of mind.
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You might be a Redneck if...
You've ever cut your grass and found a car.
You own a home that's mobile and 5 cars that aren't.
You think the stock market has a fence around it.
Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.
Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
You own a homemade fur coat.
Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.
You burn your yard rather than mow it.
Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."
You refer to the time you won a free case of motor oil as "the day my ship came
in."
You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.
The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the Governor to spare a
loved one.
Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hall because of her language.
Someone asks, "Where's your bowling bag?" and you answer, "She's at home
with the kids."
Birds are attracted to your beard.
Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.
You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.
You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately.
Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos."
You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
You've ever given rat traps as gifts.
You clean your fingernails with a stick.
Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.
You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.
You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.
You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
There are more than five McDonald's bags currently in the floorboard of your car.
The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.
There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.
You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.
You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.
You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.
You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
Your considered an expert on wormbeds.
Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."
The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.
You've ever bought a used cap.
Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes.
You pick your teeth from a catalog.
You've ever financed a tattoo.
You've ever stolen toilet paper.
You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
People hear your car a long time before they see it.
The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
You take a fishing pole into Sea World.
You think a turtleneck is the key ingredient for soup.
You've ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.
You think the French Riviera is foreign car.
You go to a stock car race and don't need a program.
You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
MOTEL 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.
You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.
You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
Your mother does not remove the Marlboro from her mouth before telling the state trooper
to kiss her ass.
Your pocket knife often doubles as a toothpick.
You own a denim leisure suit.
You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
Your dog has a litter of puppies on the living room floor and nobody notices.
You've ever been kicked out of the KKK for being a bigot.
Your family tree does not fork.
You see no need to stop at rest stops because you have an empty milk jug in the car.
You have a rag for a gas cap.
You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.
You show your boyfriend you really love him by carving his name on your arm.
You've ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge clearance restrictions.
You've ever had to scratch your sister's name out of a message that begins, "For a
good time call...."
You ever hit on somebody in a V.D. clinic.
You bought a VCR because wrestling is on while you're at work.
After the Prom you drove the truck while your date hit road signs with beer bottles.
Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.
All of your four letter words are two syllables.
You've ever been too drunk to fish.
You cut your toenails in front of company.
You view the upcoming family reunion as a chance to meet women.
Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
Hitchhikers won't get in the car with you.
You've ever heard a sheep bleat and had romantic thoughts.
Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
You can spit without opening your mouth.
You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
You call your boss "dude."
You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
You have grease under your toenails.
You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
You've ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
You've ever cleaned fish in your living room.
You think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
You actually know which kind of leaves make the best substitute for toilet paper.
You've been on TV more than five times describing what the tornado sounded like.
Your dad walks you to school because he's in the same grade.
People come to your door every day mistakenly thinking that you're having a yard sale.
You've ever made change in the offering plate.
Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves shoes and a flashlight.
You've ever made love in a satellite dish.
You've ever lugged a gallon of paint to the top of a water tower to defend your sister's
honor.
The primary color of your car is "bond."
You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue
gestures.
The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was
snubbed for best picture.
If your biggest decision when going on vacation is to use paper or plastic.
You think that the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
You've ever used a Weed-eater indoors.
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam
mud-flaps.
You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
You gene pool doesn't have a "deep end."
You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your jeans.
You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
You stare at a can of orange juice just because it says, "CONCENTRATE."
You sit on your roof Christmas Eve with a shotgun hoping to fill your deer quota for the
year.
Your mother has ever gotten into a fight at a football game.
You think that a Buglite and a six-pack make an evening of quality entertainment.
You think that your sister is not your sister anymore just because you get a divorce.
Your richest relative buys a new house and calls you up to help him take the wheels off.
Your cowboy hat is bigger than your shoes.
Somebody yells "Hoe-down!" and your girlfriend hits the floor.
You snort a dog chain from your mouth to your nose because you think it is cool.
You're mother has ever come out of the bathroom and said, "Y'all come look at this
before I flush it." |
From Ted
How do you know you're living in Tennessee?
You get married for the third time and have the same in-laws.
~~~~~~
From
Rudedog367!
What did the redneck girl say as she was losing her
virginity???
"Get off me daddy your squishing my cigarettes"
What did the redneck boy say as he was losing his virginity???
"get off me daddy your squshing my cigarettes!"
From Boyle!
How can you tell if a girl is a redneck?
She can suck a dick and chew tobacco at the same time, and know
what to spit and what to swallow.
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF
Sent in by LCo187!
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
Last year you hid Easter eggs under cow pies.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People."
You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this! "
You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl.'
You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
Your family tree doesn't fork.
Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
You go to your family reunion looking for a date.
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen,
Start your engines."
You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
You take a six-pack cooler to church.
You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.
The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.
You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
One of your kids was born on a pool table.
Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the
House of Tattoos.
You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.
Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it.
You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school.
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos."
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
~~~~~~
Sent to us by LCo187!
A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something
goes wrong and it breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to
the farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him, "It's
Sunday night and my car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night
until tomorrow
when I can get some help?"
"Well," drawls the farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want you messin'
with my sons Jed and Luke."
She looks through the screen door and sees two men standing behind the farmer. She judges
them to be in the early twenties.
"Okay," she says.
After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a little horny just
thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room
and says, "Boys, how would you like for me to
teach you the ways of the world?"
They say, "Huh?"
She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these
rubbers." She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go it all night long.
Forty years later, Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth.
Jed says, "Luke?"
Luke says, "Yeah, Jed?"
Jed says, "You remember that blond woman that came by here about forty years ago and
showed us the ways of the world?"
"Yeah", says Luke, "I remember."
"Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed.
"Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not."
"Me neither" says Jed, "Let's take these things off."You Might Be a Redneck If...
You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree to relieve
yourselves.
You can't take a nap without at least one hand tucked inside your pants.
You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
You've ever stolen toilet paper.
Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.
There's an expired license plate hanging on your living room wall.
You've ever been pumping gas and another customer asks you to check his oil.
You think the Bud Bowl is real.
You think "six to ten pounds" on the side of the Pampers box means how much the
diaper will hold.
You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.
You have a black eye and a hickey at the same time.
Your kids have a three-day old Kool-Aid mustache
.
You offer to give somebody the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
Your chili's secret ingredient comes from the bait shop.
Turning on your lights involves pulling a string.
You have a refrigerator just for beer.
Your lawn furniture used to be your living room furniture.
You come back from the dump with more than you took.
The trunk of your car is tied down and you're not hauling anything.
You refer to the fifth grade as "my senior year."
You prefer to walk the excess length off your jeans rather than hem them.
Your mother does not remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the state patrolman
to kiss her ass.
You did not put the pink plastic flamingos in your front yard as a joke.
You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.
Your Fourth of July cookout has ever been ruined because someone got drunk
and burned the Spam. |
