| Written on the walls...
(Sent in by Boyle!) The
best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.
Women's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL
Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.
Men's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL
Beauty is only a light switch away.
Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, North Carolina.
I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards.
Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge, Massachusetts.
Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?"
Rest stop off Route 81. West Virginia.
God made pot. Man made beer. Whom do you trust?
The Irish Times, Washington, DC
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
The Bayou, Baton Rouge,
Louisiana.
No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her
crap.
Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill. Chapel Hill, North Carolina.
At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, Arizona.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. Written in the dust on the
back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.
Make love, not war. -Hell, do both, get married!
Women's restroom, The Filling Station. Bozeman, Montana.
God is dead. -Nietzsche; Nietzsche is dead. -God
The Tombs Restaurant. Washington, DC
If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
Revolution Books. New York, New York.
A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with
it.
Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort. Dallas, Texas |
a CLASSIC sent in by NeatWrite!
TOP 20 WAYS TO ANNOY A PUBLIC RESTROOM STALLMATE:
1.Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, “May I borrow a
highlighter?”
2.Say, “Uh oh, I knew I shouldn’t have put my lips on that.”
3.Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function
noise.
4.Say, "Damn, this water's cold!"
5.Drop a marble and say, "Oh sh*t, my glass eye!!"
6. Say, "Hmm, I've never seen that color before,. . ."
7.Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into the toilet bowl
from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.
8.Say, “Now, how did that get there?”
9.Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
10.Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of
your neighbors while yelling, “Whoa! Easy boy!”
11.Say, "Interesting,. . . more floaters than sinkers."
12.Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the
wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, “Whoops, could you kick that
back over here please?”
13.Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy!! Don't fall asleep on me!!"
14.Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth
and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze theballoon and splatter cream
corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had
for breakfast.
15.Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot!!"
16.Say, “Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna
do?”
17.Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
18.Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your,
“Cross-Dressers Anonymous” newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent
stall.
19.Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor
and say, “Peek-a-boo!”
20.Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing “Born Free”.
~~~~~~
Sent in by Lisa0063!
Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and
suddenly felt something a brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves, the
WORK POOP is inevitable. For those of you who hate pooping at work as much as I do, I give
you the 1999 Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work.
Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure...
ESCAPEE
Definition: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a
stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen
police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did
not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not
hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved.
Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee)
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine guns pace. This is
usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this
should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to
spare everyone the awkwardness of what just
occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits
the water and the poop is whisked away to an
undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the
bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up
the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you.
As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided
with the use of a
COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an
Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a
newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out of the
Closet pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off
without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET
POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVEN
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect
visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the
opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the
door open. This is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the
stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye
contact.
CAMO-COUGH
Definition: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in
a stall. This can be used to cover-up a
WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction
with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are
occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an
ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also
an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See
CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water.
Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a
CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.
UNCLE TED
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended
lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the
pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always
wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other
bathroom
attendees.
FLY BY
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for other
poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to
become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may
become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
CRACK WHORE
Definition: A crapper that has seen more ass than a Greyhound Bus. Tell tale signs of a
CRACK WHORE include pubes, piss stains and shit streaks.
Avoid CRACK WHORES at all cost. Try finding out when the janitor cleans each particular
bathroom. Don't forget with a good cleaning, a CRACK WHORE can become a SAFE HAVEN. |
