From KJACKSON!
A woman took an inexperienced man home
one night. When they got to her apartment, she suggested that they try a 69.
"What do you mean?" he asked.
Not knowing quite how to explain, she said, "you put your head between my legs and
I'll put my head between your legs," still unsure but willing, he agreed.
As soon as he got his head between her legs, she let out a rip roaring fart.
"What the hell was that?!! he asked.
"OOPS! I'm sorry! Let's try again", she said.
On the second attempt the very same thing happened.
He immediately got up and started getting dressed.
"Where are you going?" she asked, to which he replied...
"If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy!!"
From KJACKSON!
While enjoying a drink with a mate one
night, this bloke decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by
the bar. To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if
he'd like to come back to her place.
The pair jump into a taxi and as soon as they get back to her flat, they dive onto the bed
and spend the night hard at it. Finally, the young bloke rolls over, pulls out a cigarette
from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she
has one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replies.
Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting neatly on top
of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the bloke begins to worry. "Is this
your husband?" he inquires nervously.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?"
"No, don't be daft," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demands the bewildered bloke.
Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face and replies,
"That's me before the operation."
From Mattkork
There was a young teenage girl that
came home one day and asked here mother if it was true what Rita had told her. Her mother
asked what Rita had told her. She said, "babies come
out where guys stick their thingies." Her mom was so relieved she didn't have to
explain it she said yes. The girl then said won't the baby knock my teeth out.
A classic sent in by Neatwrite!
A man is walking along one day and he comes upon a ladder.
Looking up, he sees that the ladder disappears into the clouds.
Curious, he begins to climb. Before long, he is in the clouds. He looks around and sees
the most horribly ugly woman he has ever seen in his life.
Obese, snaggle-toothed, matted hair..... She looks at him, beckons, and says, "Have
sex with me, or climb the ladder to success."
Well, having no intention of doing *anything* with this woman, the man climbs higher up
the ladder. A bit further on, he comes upon a woman slightly less ugly than the woman
before. Not attractive, by any means, but not repugnant. "Have sex with me, or climb
the ladder to
success, "she says. Again, the man elects to continue his climb.
Before long, he comes upon another woman. This one is actually attractive. Not a
knock-out, but very pleasing. "Have sex with me, or climb the ladder to
success." Well, he figures the women keep getting better and better looking as he
gets higher and higher. So he decides to continue climbing.
A bit farther up is the most gorgeous woman he's ever seen in his life! Miss America
beautiful. In a sultry voice she says, "Have sex with me, or climb the ladder to
success." Well, needless to say he is very tempted. But he just can't imagine what
could top this woman, so he decides to climb higher.
On the next cloud up is a horrid 500 lb man. You can see the lice in his hair, he stinks,
his clothes are ratty..... "Who are you?" our climber asks in horror. Grinning a
toothless grin, the man looks at him and says, "Hi. I'm Cess".
THE VOODOO PENIS
(From EvilVetRls!)
A businessman was getting ready
to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely
healthy sex drive, so he thought he'd buy her a little something to keep her occupied
while he was gone.
He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around.
He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He
was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and
started talking to the old man behind the counter.
He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything
that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I
don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except---" and he
stopped.
"Except what?" the man asked.
"Nothing, nothing."
"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo Penis."
"So what is the Voodoo Penis?" he asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box, carved with
strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo.
The businessman laughed, and said "Big damn deal. It looks like every other dildo in
this shop!"
The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."
He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo Penis, the door." The Voodoo Penis
miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the
keyhole.
The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form
down the middle. Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo Penis, return to
box!" The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiescent
once more.
"I'll take it!" said the businessman.
The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but finally surrendered to $738 in cash
and an imitation Rolex.
The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all
she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch."
He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.
After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny.
She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the
Voodoo Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo Penis, my crotch!"
The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was absolutely incredible,
like nothing she'd ever experienced before.
After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had
enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and
tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut
it off.
Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.
She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust
of the dildo. On the way, another incredible intense orgasm made her swerve all over the
road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over.
He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You
see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing
me!"
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied,
"Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my ass!"
"Good evening ladies", Sherlock Holmes
said as he passed three women eating bananas on a park bench.
"Do you know them?" Dr. Watson asked. "No", Holmes replied, "I've
never met the nun, the prostitute or the bride we just passed."
"Good Lord, Holmes, how in the world did you know all that?"
"Elementary, my dear Watson. The nun ate the banana by holding it one hand and using
the fingers of the other hand to properly break the fruit into small pieces."
"The prostitute", he continued, "grabbed with both hands and
crammed the whole thing into her mouth."
"Amazing!" Watson exclaimed. "But how did you know the third was a
newlywed?"
"Because she held it one hand and pushed her head toward it
with the other."
From SteveLWashickSr!
The first grade teacher was starting a
new lesson on multi-syllable words. She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of
the children examples of words with more than one syllable.
"Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words?"
"After some thought Jane proudly replied with Monday."
"Great Jane. That has two syllables, Mon......day"
"Does anyone know another word."
"I do! I do!" replied Johnny.
Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of humor she picks Mike instead.
"OK Mike, what is your word."
"Saturday." says Mike.
"Great, that has three syllables..."
Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says "I know a four syllable word. Pick me! Pick
me!"
Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher reluctantly says,
"O.K. Johnny what is your four syllable word?"
Johnny proudly says, "Mas...tur...ba...tion."
Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says, "Wow, Johnny. Four
syllables! That's certainly is a mouthful."
"No Ma'am, your thinking of 'blowjob', and that's only two syllables."
~~~~~~
Sent in by ANGIEBUG!
The Queen was visiting one of Canada's hospitals and
during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.
"Oh my", said the Queen, "what's going on there?" The Dr. taking her
around on the tour explained, "that man's testicles rapidly fill with semen and if he
doesn't do that 5 times a day, they'll explode." "Oh my", said the Queen.
On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job.
"Oh my", said the Queen, "what's going on in there?" The Dr. replied,
"Same problem, better health plan." |
This one's thanks to
Rudedog367!
So The Pope and Bill Clinton by coincidence
passed away on the same day, they both get to heaven at about 7 pm and St Peter meets them
at the pearly gates..."Welcome to heaven" says the Saint, "...unfortunately
being that you are both high profile celebrities we cannot send you into heaven at the
same time....you're sure to cause too much commotion and we just could not have that....so
what we'll do instead is flip a coin to see who'll go in first and the other one will have
to wait until morning to enter." Well they boh agreed and proceeded to flip a coin,
Clinton called it in the air and won the coin toss, St Peter looked at the Pope and
apologetically reminded him that they both had agreed to the coin toss. So Slick Willie
went in first and The Pope camped out at the pearly gates over night.
Next morning at 7 AM St Peter comes out and
tells the Pope that it was his turn to go in, "thanks for being a good sport about
it" says St Peter, "to show my appreciation for your willingness to cooperate, I
will personally escort you into heaven."
So as they were walking in St Peter asks the
Pope...."well now that you have gotten into heaven, what will you be doing
first?"....The Pope thinks it over and says "well you know I have always wanted
to meet the Virgin Mary"....."OH NO!" says St Peter...
"If only you had gone in before Bill Clinton
you could have!!!"
A chicken and an egg are lying in
bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg is
frowning and looking a bit pissed off.
The egg mutters to no one in particular. "Well, I guess we answered THAT question!!!
"
Sent in by pockets__69!
Three guys were playing strip
poker and the deal was that the loser had to go down to the store naked to buy the other
two soda and come back completely naked! The loser made it down to the store and got the
soda completely unnoticed but on the way back he saw three nuns coming toward him so he
jumped behind a bush and was completely covered accept his dick was hanging out! First nun
walked up and said" What's this?" and she pulled on the guys dick.
"WAHOO" yelled the guy as he threw one soda over the bush.
"OH, a vending machine," claimed the first nun "I want one," said the
second nun with a tug.
"WAHOO" yelled the guy as he threw the second soda over the bush.
"I want one too," said the third nun with a tug.
"OH HAND CREAM!!"
2 "quickies" sent in by
drpfen!
I was scared at first. It was very wide, and very long, and it angled straight up. I
decided I had to try it once. I slowly and carefully eased
myself onto it. It felt weird at first. Then I got used to it. I went up and down, and up
and down on it. I was really loving it.
Now I ride on escalators all the time.
----------------
I took my fingers and slowly, gently stretched it apart. It was so pure and white. I
licked it once, twice... I found I couldn't stop. I licked it
faster and faster,and harder. I began to scrape my teeth against it.
There it was, in my mouth! All sweet and creamy. I was done.
I threw away the outsides of my Oreo cookie.
This one's from KJACKSON!
A man decides to have a face
lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his
way home
he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk,
"I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.
After that, he goes into McDonald's for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question,
to which the reply is, "Oh you look
about 29".
"I am actually 47". This makes him feel really good.
While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there
was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your
balls for ten minutes, I will be able to tell your exact age." As there was no one
around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47."
Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."
Another from LCo187!
One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble
bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her
vagina. She started screaming 'oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina'.
The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The
doctor thought for a moment and said 'Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the
problem if young sir would permit'.
The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get
the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said 'OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey
over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee
getting closer to the tip of my dick I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully
follow my penis out of your wife's vagina.
The Husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said 'Yes, Yes, whatever, just
get on with it'. So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted
it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, ' I don't
think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper'. So the doctor
went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the Young lady very hard
indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement, and moan and groan aloud, 'oh
doctor, doctor!' she shouted.
The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself. He then put his
hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises. The husband, at this
point suddenly became very annoyed and shouted 'Now wait a minute, what do you think
you're doing?"
The doctor, still concentrating, replied 'Change of plan, I'm gonna drown the bugger'.
A professor is sent to darkest Africa
to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them Reading, Writing,
Math, and Science. One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child.
The members of the tribe are shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says,
"Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gave birth to a
white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"
The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural
occurrence... what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over
there.
All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."
The chief was silent for a moment, then said "Tell you what. You don't say anything
more about the sheep and I won't say anything more about the baby."
Classic Sent in by SteveLWashickSr!
A young man was so deeply in love that just before he was married, he had his bride's name
tattooed on his penis. Normally, only the first and last letters were visible, although
when he was aroused, which was whenever she was around him, the tattoo spelled out her
name: W-E-N-D-Y.
They went on their honeymoon to a resort in Montego Bay. One night, the fellow finds
himself at the urinal in the men's room, standing next to a very tall Jamaican man. He
noticed, to his amazement, that this man, too, had the letters 'W-Y' tattooed on his
penis.
"Excuse me," he said, "but I couldn't help noticing your tattoo. Do you
also have a girlfriend named Wendy?"
The Jamaican man laughed out loud and replied, "No mon, my tattoo is for all of the
young ladies I meet - it says...
"WELCOME TO JAMAICA, MON, HOPE YOU ENJOY YOU'RE STAY"
From ANGIEBUG!
A fifth grade teacher is told she must teach sex
education to her class.
She decides to use a math technique to teach the subject, and thinks flash cards will work
well.
The next day in class, she holds up the first flash card, a picture of a breast, and asked
"does anyone know what this is?"
Little Suzie responds-"I know, I know! It's a
picture of a breast and my mommy has two of them!" The teacher says "very good
Suzie, you get a star for the exercise"
The teacher grabs the next card and holds it up. It's a picture of a penis. She asks
"Does anyone know what this is?" and little Tommy says "I know I know!! It
a penis and my daddy has two of them!!!" The teacher says "well Tommy, It is a
penis but your daddy can't have two of them."
Tommy says "sure he does, he's got a little
one he pees out of and a great big one he brushes mommy's teeth with!"
VIRGIN NEWLYWEDS
A young virgin couple are finally wed. Each
one is nervous about the impending night, but neither are willing to admit or ask each
other about it. Wondering what to do first, the young man calls his father.
"Pop, what do I do first?"
"Get naked and climb into bed," his father replies. So, the young man does as he
is advised. The girl is mortified and calls her mama.
"Get naked and join him," is the advice from mama, so she complies. After laying
there for a few moments, the young man excuses himself and calls his dad again.
"What do I do?" he asks.
His father replies, "Look at her naked body. Then, take the hardest part of
your body and put it where she pees!" is the dad's advice.
A few moments later, the girl again calls her mama. "What do I do now?" she
asks.
"Well, what is he doing?" mama asks.
"He's in the bathroom, dunking his head in the toilet!"
|
