Way-to-go Golfer!
Four married guys go golfing. During the 4th hole, the
following conversation takes place.
First Guy: "You guys have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing
today. I had to promise my wife that I'd build her a new deck for the pool."
Second Guy: "You're lucky. I had to promise my wife that I'd paint every room in the
house next weekend."
Third Guy: "You guys have it easy. I had to promise my wife that I'd remodel the
kitchen for her."
They continue to play the hole when they realize that the fourth guy hadn't said anything.
So they ask him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to
come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"
Fourth Guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30AM. When it goes off, I turn it off, nudge
my wife and say "Golf course or intercourse?" She says "Don't forget your
sweater."Da Bomb
Jimmy Johnson put together the perfect Dolphins team for '98.
The only thing he was missing was a good quarterback to replace the injured Dan Marino.
He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, but couldn't seem to find a
ringer quarterback that would ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night, while watching CNN, he sees a war zone in Palestine. In the background,
out of the corner of his eye, he spots a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible
arm.
First, he throws a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window over 200 yards away --
ka-BOOM!
Next, he throws another hand grenade into a group of about 10 soldiers a good 110 yards
away -- ka-BLOOEY!
Then, a car passes going 90 miles an hour-bulls-eye! Another grenade right into the barely
open window.
"I've got to get this guy," Jimmy says to himself. "He has the perfect
arm!"
So he brings him to the states and teaches him the great game of football.
Predictably, the young man breaks all NFL records for completed passes, accuracy, and
touchdowns. The Dolphins go on to handily win the Super Bowl.
The young Israeli is lionized as the Great Hero of Super Bowl XXXV and when Jimmy asks him
what he wants, all the young man wants to do is call his mother. Jimmy arranges for the
call and hands the phone to his young quarterback: "Mom," the young man says
into
the receiver, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
" I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You deserted us.
You're no longer my son."
"I don't think you understand, mother," the young man pleads. "I just won
the greatest sporting event in the world! I'm in the middle of thousands of adoring
fans."
"No, let ME tell YOU," the mother implores. "At this very moment, there are
gun shots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were
beaten within an inch of their life last week, and this week your sister was attacked in
broad daylight...."
The old lady pauses, in tears. "...I'll never forgive you for moving us to Miami. |
Big Time
A keen country lad applied for a
salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the
area--you could get anything there. The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a
salesman before?"
"Yes, I was a salesman in the country," said the lad.
The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come
and see you when we close up."
The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The
boss arrived and asked, "How many sales did you make today?"
"One," said the young salesman.
"Only one?" blurted the boss. "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale worth?"
"Thirty-eight thousand, three hundred and thirty-four dollars," said the
young man. "How did you manage that?" asked the
flabbergasted boss.
"Well" said the salesman, "This man came in and I sold him a small fish
hook, then a medium hook and finally a really
large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked
him where he was going
fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him
down to the boat department and
sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen
probably wouldn't be able to
pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him a new SUV."
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy
who came in for a fish hook?"
"No," answered the salesman. "Actually, he came in to buy a box of Tampons
for his wife and I said to him, "Your
weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing."And the winner is...
Our story begins at the Olympics,
specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for
the gold medal.
Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now
don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because
of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this
hold! If he does, you're finished!" The wrestler nodded in agreement.
Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circled each other several
times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lungedn forward,
grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold!
A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his
hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending.
Suddenly there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just
in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a
thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the
match.
The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone,
he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it
before!"
The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that
hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls
right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of
strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.
"So!" the trainer exclaimed, "that finished him off did it?"
"No, but you'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own
balls!" |
