20 ways
to make HIS x-mas an XXX-mas!
(and other stuff from Lisa 0063!)
1. Trim his tree.
2. Lick his luscious candy cane.
3. Be his "ho-ho-ho" for the holidays.
4. Polish his christmas balls.
5. Ride him like a reindeer.
6. Taste his sweet egg-nog.
7. Deck the halls with moans of pleasure.
8. Fa, la, la, latio- la, la, la, la.
9. Spark his minorah with a hot strip tease.
10. Request a stiff stocking stuff-her!
11. Make his Kris Kringle tingle.
12. Gift wrap yourself in sexy lingere.
13. Unwrap his package.
14. Hang mistletoe from any place you want kissed.
15. Rock his jingle bells in the frosty air.
16. Make your Rudolph's hose as red as his nose.
17. Heat him up with a snow job.
18. Give the Christmas carolers a show of your own.
19. Dress up as Santa's nasty little helper.
20. Make sure you're naughty, so it's nice.
Top 10 SANTA Pick-Up Lines
1.) Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?
2.) Wanna see my 12-inch elf?
3.) I`ve got something special in the sack for you!
4.) Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?
5.) I know when you`ve been bad or good--so let`s skip the small talk, sister!
6.) Some of my best toys run on batteries...
7.) Interested in seeing the "North Pole"? (Well, that`s what the Mrs. calls it)
8.) I see you when you`re sleeping -- and you don`t wear any underwear, do you?
9.) Screw the "nice" list -- I`ve got you on my "naughty" list!
10.) Wanna join the "Mile High" club?
Top Ten ELF Pickup Lines
1.) "I'm down here"
2.) "Just because I've got bells on my shoes doesn't mean I'm a sissy"
3.) "I was once a lawn ornament for John Bon Jovi"
4.) "I can get you off the naughty list"
5.) "I have certain needs that can't be satisfied by working on toys"
6.) "I'm a magical being. Take off your bra."
7.) "No, no. I don't bake cookies. You're thinking of those dorks over at
Keebler"
8.) "I get a thimbleful of tequila in me and I turn into a wild man"
9.) "You'd look great in a Raggedy Ann wig"
10.) "I can eat my weight in cocktail wieners" Dear Santa,
I rarely ask for much. This year is no exception. I don't need diamond earrings, handy
slicer-dicers or comfy slippers. I only want one
little thing, and I want it deeply. I want to slap Martha Stewart. Now, hear me out,
Santa. I won't scar her or draw blood or anything. Just one good smack, right across her
smug little cheek. I get all cozy inside just
thinking about it.
Don't grant this wish just for me, do it for thousands of women across
the country. Through sheer vicarious satisfaction, you'll be giving a gift
to us all. Those of us leading average, garden variety lives aren't
concerned with gracious living. We feel pretty good about ourselves if our paper plates
match when we stack them on the counter, buffet-style for dinner. We're
tired of Martha showing us how to make centerpieces from hollyhock dipped in 18 carat
gold. We're plumb out of liquid gold. Unless it's of the furniture polish variety.
We can't whip up Martha's creamy holiday sauce, spiced with turmeric.
Most of us can't even say turmeric, let alone figure out what to do with it. OK, Santa,
maybe you think I'm being a little harsh. But I'll bet with all the holiday rush you
didn't catch that interview with Martha in last week's USA Weekend. I'm surprised there
was enough room on the page for her ego. We discovered that not only does Martha avoid
take-out pizza (she's only ordered it once), she refuses to eat it cold (No cold pizza? Is
Martha Stewart Living?)
When it was pointed out that she could microwave it, she replied, "I don't have a
microwave."
The reporter, Jeffrey Zaslow, noted that she said this "in a tone that
suggests you shouldn't either." Well lah-dee-dah. Imagine that, Santa!
That lovely microwave you brought me years ago, in which I've learned
to make complicated dishes like popcorn and hot chocolate, has been
declared undesirable by Queen Martha. What next? The coffee maker? In the article, we
learned that Martha has 40 sets of dishes adorning an entire wall in her home. Forty sets.
Can you spell "overkill"? And neatly put away, no less. If my dishes make it to
the dishwasher, that qualifies as "put away" in my house!
Martha tells us she's already making homemade holiday gifts for friends.
"Last year, I made amazing silk-lined scarves for everyone," she boasts.
Not just scarves, mind you. Amazing scarves. Martha's obviously not
shy about giving herself a little pat on the back. In fact, she does so
with such frequency that one has to wonder if her back is black and blue.
She goes on to tell us that "homemaking is glamour for the 90s", and says her
most glamorous friends are "interested in stain removal, how to iron a monogram, and
how to fold a towel." I have one piece of advice, Martha:
"Get new friends."
Glamorous friends fly to Paris on a whim. They drift past the Greek Islands on yachts,
sipping champagne from crystal goblets. They step out for the evening in
shimmering satin gowns, whisked away by tuxedoed chauffeurs. They do not spend their days
pondering the finer art of toilet bowl sanitation. Zaslow notes that Martha was named one
of America's 25 most influential people by Time magazine
(nosing out Mother Theresa, Madeline Allbright and Maya Angelou, no doubt). The proof
of Martha's influence:
After she bought white-fleshed peaches in the supermarket, Martha says, "People saw
me buy them. In an instant, they were all gone." I hope Martha never decides to jump
off a bridge.
A guest in Martha's home told Zaslow how Martha gets up early to rollerblade with her dogs
to pick fresh wild blackberries for breakfast. This confirms what I've suspected about
Martha all along: She's obviously got too much time on her
hands. Teaching the dogs to rollerblade. What a show off. If you think the dogs are
spoiled, listen to how Martha treats her friends: She gave one friend all 272 books
from the Knopf Everyman Library. It didn't cost much. Pocket change, really. Just $5,000.
But what price friendship, right?
When asked if others should envy her, Martha replies, "Don't envy me.
I'm doing this because I'm a natural teacher. You shouldn't envy teachers.
You should listen to them." Zaslow must have slit a seam in Martha's ego at this
point, because once the hot air came hissing out, it couldn't be held back. "Being an
overachiever is nothing despicable. It is only admirable. Never lower your
standards," says Martha. And of her Web Page on the Internet, Martha declares herself
an "important presence" as she graciously helps people organize their sad, tacky
little lives.
There you have it, Santa. If there was ever someone who deserved a
good smack, it's Martha Stewart. But I bet I won't get my gift this year.
You probably want to smack her yourself. |
HO HO HO!
T'was the night before Christmas - Old Santa was pissed
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks
I have good mind to scrap the whole works
I've busted my ass for damn near a year
Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night
The elves want more money - The reindeer all fight
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter
They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Clause any money
And the kids these days - they all are the pits
They want the impossible ...Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's - No request for them
They want computers and robots...they think I'm IBM!
If you think that's bad...just picture this
Try holding those brats...with their pants full of piss
They pull on my nose - they grab at my beard
And if I don't smile..the parents think I'm weird
Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment
There's no Christmas this year...now you know the reason
I found me a blonde.. I'm going SOUTH for the season!!Fruitcake Recipe
Joke from Lisa0063!
1 C water
1 C sugar
4 large eggs
2 C dried fruit
1 tsp. baking soda
1 tsp. Salt
1 C brown sugar lemon juice nuts
1 FULL bottle of your favorite whiskey
Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Take a large bowl.
Check the whiskey again to be sure that it is of the highest quality.
Pour 1 level cup and drink. Repeat if necessary.
Turn on the electric mixer. Beat 1 C of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 tsp sugar and
beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still OK. Cry another tup.
Turn off the mixer. Break two legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried
fruit.
Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a
drewscriver.
Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift the cups of salt. Or something. Who cares.
Check the whiskey again.
Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one tablespoon of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Throw the bowl out of the window.
Check the whiskey again.
Go to bed. Who the heck likes fruitcake anyway?
Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged
SCHIZOPHRENIA - Do You Hear What I Hear?
MULTIPLE PERSONALITY - We Three Queens Disoriented Are.
DEMENTIA - I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas.
NARCISSISTIC - Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)
MANIA - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and
Town ... or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense!
PARANOIA - Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.
PERSONALITY DISORDER - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE
I'll tell you why.
DEPRESSION - Silent anhedonia, Holy anhedonia. All is calm, All is pretty lonely.
OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE - Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell...
BORDERLINE PERSONALITY - Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire.
PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE - On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me
(and then took it all away).
Walkn' in A Doggie Wonderland
Sent in by Tospicee4u!
Dog tags ring, are you listenin'?
In the lane, snow is glistenin'.
It's yellow, NOT white - I've been there tonight, Marking up my winter wonderland.
Smell that tree? That's my fragrance.
It's a sign for wand'ring vagrants;
"Avoid where I pee, it's MY pro-per-ty!
Marked up as my winter wonderland."
In the meadow dad will build a snowman,
following the classical design.
Then I'll lift my leg and let it go Man,
So all the world will know it's
mine-mine-mine!
Straight from me to the fencepost,
flows my natural incense boast;
"Stay off of my TURF, this small piece of earth,
I mark it as my winter wonderland.
The Christmas Angel
Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and absolutely nothing was going right. Mrs.
Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for
the overtime. The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon. To make matters worse, they
had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree
Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions
of presents all over the world in just a few hours. All of my reindeer are drunk, the
elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that flakey Little
Angel out hours ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to
do?"
Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night,
dragging a Christmas tree. He says, "Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the
tree this year?"
And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass. |
