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Battle of the Sexes Jokes II Archive

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Beer contains female hormones

Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the  results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female  hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer  consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:
 1) Argued over nothing.
 2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
 3) Gained weight.
 4) Talked excessively without making sense.
 5) Became overly emotional.
 6) Couldn't drive.
 7) Failed to think rationally.
 8) Had to sit down while urinating.
 No further testing was considered necessary.

Send this to the men you know to warn them about drinking too much beer! And send it to your women friends to give them a good laugh! If you think they can handle it.


The Stay

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?'  'Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as
he drug himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said. To which he whirled around and screamed,

'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats' facial expressions
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds
7. Fat clothes
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time
5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow
3. Eyelash curlers
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made

And the number One thing only women understand:

1. OTHER WOMEN

Some Benefits of Being Female
We can get rid of leg hair without pretending that we do a lot of cycling/swimming, or any other sport that would require aerodynamic legs.

We absently hum tunes from musicals without anyone being suspect of our sexuality.

When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous. When men buy a blow up doll it's sad.

We can use cosmetics should we wake up looking like something the cat dragged in.

We can wear platforms - which is why there is no such thing as a "little woman syndrome"

We don't have to get our strength up between sessions...and it's much easier for us to get laid in the first place.

We can make it with teenagers without being called dirty old perverts.

We never ejaculate prematurely.

We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.

We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

We know that Tetris is the computer game to end all games.

We got off the Titanic first.

Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous - they look like complete idiots in ours.

We have total control over our eyebrows.

We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

It's cool to be a daddy's girl. It's sad to be a mommy's boy.

We can cry and get out of speeding fines.

The thrill of surprising people by being good at darts..and pool.....and football.

We live longer, so we can be cantankerous old biddies wearing inappropriate clothes and shouting at strangers......men die earlier so we
get to cash in on the life insurance.

Taxis stop for us.

We get drunk quicker and cheaper.

We have no desire to arrange our possessions in alphabetical order. Ever.

We've never fancied a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.

It does not enhance our social standing to understand the inner workings of a 'ruck' (or any other rugby thing). But we look INCREDIBLY cool if we do.

We never recognize ourselves in aspects of Mr Bean. Ever.

BUT The main reason is ....

We don't look like a frog in a blender when we're dancing.
(Any of the guys have answers to this?)

The difference between men and women in 5 sentences:
A man is driving up a steep, narrow road.
A woman is driving down the same road.
As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells "PIG!"
The man immediately leans out the window and replies,"Bitch!"
They continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.


MALE/FEMALE DICTIONARY
Sent in by LCo187!

WANTS AND NEEDS (wontz and nedz) n.
Female: The delicate balance of emotional, physical and psychological longing one seeks tohave fulfilled in a relationship.
Male: Food, sex and beer.

THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

GLASS CEILING (glas see-ling) n.
Female: The invisible barrier that stops women from rising to the upper levels in business.
Male: What would really be great at work since that hot babe took over the office one flight up.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing ball without a cup.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the guys.

BUTT (but) n.
Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
Male: The organ of mooning.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything with one ball, two beers, or three stooges.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: What men have to call "boinking" to get women to boink.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 minutes.

TASTE (tayst) v.
Female: Something you do frequently to whatever you're cooking, to make sure it's good.
Male: Something you must do to anything you think has gone bad prior to tossing it out.

From Imom5150

THE HORMONE HOSTAGE
THE HORMONE HOSTAGE KNOWS THAT THERE ARE DAYS IN THE MONTH WHEN ALL A MAN HAS TO DO IS OPEN HIS MOUTH & HE TAKES HIS LIFE INTO HIS OWN HANDS!  THIS IS A HANDY GUIDE THAT SHOULD BE AS COMMON AS A DRIVER'S LICENSE IN THE WALLET OF EVERY HUSBAND, BOYFRIEND, CO-WORKER, OR SIGNIFICANT OTHER!

DANGEROUS: WHAT'S FOR DINNER?
SAFER: CAN I HELP YOU WITH DINNER?
SAFEST:
WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO FOR DINNER?
ULTRA SAFE: HERE, HAVE SOME WINE.

DANGEROUS: ARE YOU WEARING THAT?
SAFER: WOW, YOU SURE LOOK GOOD IN BROWN!
SAFEST: WOW, LOOK AT YOU
ULTRA SAFE:
HERE, HAVE
SOME WINE.

DANGEROUS: WHAT ARE YOU SO WORKED UP ABOUT?
SAFER:
COULD WE BE OVERREACTING?
SAFEST: HERE'S MY PAYCHECK
ULTRA SAFE:
HERE, HAVE
SOME WINE.

DANGEROUS: SHOULD YOU BE EATING THAT?
SAFER: YOU KNOW, THERE ARE A LOT OF APPLES LEFT
SAFEST:
CAN I GET YOU A PIECE OF CHOCOLATE WITH THAT?
ULTRA SAFE:
HERE, HAVE
SOME WINE.

DANGEROUS: WHAT DID YOU DO ALL DAY?
SAFER:
I HOPE YOU DIDN'T OVER-DO IT TODAY.
SAFEST:
I'VE ALWAYS LOVED YOU IN THAT ROBE!
ULTRA SAFE:
HERE, HAVE
SOME MORE WINE.

13 THINGS PMS STANDS FOR:

1. PASS MY SHOTGUN
2. PSYCHOTIC MOOD SWING
3. PERPETUAL MUNCHING SPREE
4. PUFFY MID-SECTION

5. PEOPLE MAKE me SICK
6. PROVIDE ME with SWEETS
7. PARDON MY SOBBING
8. PIMPLES MAY SURFACE
9. PASS MY SWEATS
10. PISSY MOOD SYNDROME
11. POOR MEN SUCK
12. PACK MY STUFF
13. POTENTIAL MURDER SUSPECT

From Boyle!
What do toilets, clitoris, and an anniversary have in common?
Men miss them all.


Rules guys wish girls knew
Sent to us by SteveLWashickSr!
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present, again.
5. If you ask a question you don't want the answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you, live with it.
7. Don't ask him what he is thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation,
and monster trucks.
8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.
9. Dogs are better than any cats, period.
10. Sundays = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
11. Shopping is not a sport.
12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
13. You have enough clothes.
14. You have too many shoes.
15. Crying is blackmail. Use it, but don't expect us to like it.
16. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
17. No, he doesn't know what day it is, he never will, mark anniversaries down on a calendar.
18. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We are bound to miss sometimes.
19. Most guys own two or three pairs of shoes-what makes you think we'd be good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress.
20. Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers.
21. a headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
22. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.
23. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
4. Check your oil.
25. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
26. Don't fake it. We would rather be ineffective than deceived
27. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
28. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
29. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one makes you sad or angry, we mean the other one.
30. Let us oggle. If we don't look at other women, how will we know how pretty you are.
31. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
32. You can either ask us to do something, or tell us how you want it done, not both.
33. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
34. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
35. Consider golf as a mini-vacation. We need it and so do you.
36. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
37. Anyone can buy condoms.


Advantages of being male
Contrary to popular belief among females, being male does have advantages to being female. Life is a bit simpler, making more time to enjoy the finer points in life. From the earliest of years, we have learned from the mistakes of females, and found improved ways to make life a little happier.

We don't worry about how "big" we look in 33 different pairs of pants.

We don't have to own 53 different outfits, 35 of which we will only wear once.

We can get dressed for any occasion in 20 minutes.

It is not a devastating blow to our character when our clothes don't fit anymore.

When we go out in public, we don't have to say "do you think he's more hansome than me", or "why can't I look like him."

We can eat an entire dinner without having to powder anything.

We don't have to look good dancing, but it is incredibly attractive if we do.

Buying shoes is easy; not an olympic sport.

We only have to shave our face.

We don't have to hide gray hair.

We don't have to have flawless bubble handwriting and dot our i's with hearts in school.

We can go to the bathroom without having to wait in line or hovering.

We can go to the bathroom by ourselves.

We don't have to worry about getting plastic/cosmetic surgery.

We don't have to worry about our plastic/cosmetic surgery failing, or popping, or sagging, or forming abnormally as time goes by.

Wrinkles are not a curse to end all.

We don't have to layer expensive cosmetic material over acne.

Our emotions don't go into periodic and unexpected fits, during which the world is a happy-happy place and crashing to an end all at once.

We don't have to paint, adorn, or decorate every part of our body with polish, jewelry, lotion, glitter, or makeup.

We have the keen ability to look at our reflections in the mirror and be able to tell if we are fat or not without consulting anyone.

We have no desire to own so many possessions that they could never be arranged in any semblance of order.

We know that Tetris is basically playing with blocks........and we finished that long ago.

Women get drunk quicker and cheaper. It is less expensive entertainment, and it it much easier than waking up with a hangover ourselves.

A classic from MAHLEE!
An old man went into the social security office and filled out an application. He was too old to have a birth certificate, so when he was asked to prove his age, he opened his shirt and showed them his gray hair on his chest. They accepted that as proof, and gave him his first check.
He went home to his wife, showed her the check, and explained to her what had happened. She replied, "well get back down there, pull down your pants, and see if you can also get disability!"

Love Poem
 

WOMAN'S LOVE POEM

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.           
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

MAN'S LOVE POEM
 
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with
huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and hunting. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

Living Will
Last night,  my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, " I never  want to live in a vegetative state, dependant on some machine and fluids  from a bottle.  If that ever happens, just pull the plug".
 
She got up and unplugged the TV and threw out my  beer.
 
She's such a Bitch........

Disclaimers

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