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The following 15 Police Comments were taken off actual police car
videos around the US.
#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch
after you wear them awhile."
# 14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth
certificate a worthless document."
#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the
speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can
write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think
it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that
again or I'll give you another ticket."
#8 "The answer to this next question will determine whether you are
drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go
to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey
poop."
#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster
oven."
#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"
#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're
allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
#2 "I'm glad to hear that Chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend
of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
The envelope please.....................
AND THE WINNER IS....
#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we
don't. Sign here."
SYMPTOMS OF THE BIRD FLU...
Sent in by koz4ds!
The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu. If
you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately:
1. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to crap on someone's windshield!!!
~~~~~~
One day a florist goes to the barber for a haircut. After the cut he goes to pay
the barber..."I'm sorry I cannot accept the money from you. I'm doing community
service."
The florist is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you
card and one dozen roses waiting at his door.
A cop goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber after the cut, but
the barber replies "I'm sorry but I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing
community service."
The cop is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and
one dozen donuts waiting at his door.
A Mexican cook goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber after the
cut. But again the barber replies "I'm sorry I cannot accept money from you. I'm
doing community service."
The Mexican cook is happy and leaves. The next morning when the barber goes to
open his shop, guess what he finds?...........
a dozen Mexicans waiting for a free haircut!!!!
"Have
you seen THESE bumper stickers?"
From LCo187
Ax me about Ebonics
Body by Nautilus; brain by Mattel
Boldly going nowhere
CATS: The other white meat
Dain bramaged
Don't be sexist - broads hate that
Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway
Heart Attacks...God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged
Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window
How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost
I am Homer of Borg. Prepare to be assimi... Oooh! Donuts!
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you
If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets
If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now
I'm an imbecile and I vote
Money Isn't Everything, But it Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch
Saw it... Wanted it... Had a fit... Got it!
WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull
Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted
Sent in by MRITESLA
A wealthy socialite had a night out on the town with her
friends. She
awoke the next morning, totally naked and with a monster of a
hang-over. So she rang for the butler and asked for a cup of strong
black coffee.
"Geeves" she said, "I can't remember a thing about last night. How did
I get to bed?"
"Well Madam, I carried you upstairs and put you to bed"
"But my dress?"
"It seemed a pity to crumple it, so I took it off and hung it up"
"But what about my underwear?"
"I thought the elastic might stop the circulation, so I took the
liberty of removing them".
"What a night!" she said. "I must have been tight!"
"Only the first time, Madam."
"Cowboy Riding into Town"
From Raman!
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink.
Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he
finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily
flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a
shot into the ceiling.
"WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HORSE?" he yelled with surprising
forcefulness.
No one answered.
"ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HORSE AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME
I FINISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUN IN
TEXAS!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly.
He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled-up and started to
ride out of town.
The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what
happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
Think About It...
From HAROLDAFT!
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said
if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as
mattresses?
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to
hear him...is he still wrong?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a
hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
Where do forest rangers go to 'get away from it all?'
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
How do blind people know when they are done wiping?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
The older you get, the better you realize you were.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a
boat and drink beer all day.
Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
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SOUTHERN
CALIFORNIA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION
Name: ______________
Stage name: ________________
Agent: ______________
Attorney: __________________
Sex: ___ male ____ female _____ formerly male _______
formerly female __________ both _________
If female, indicate breast implant size: ____
Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in
any way? Yes ___ No ___
Occupation:
[ ] Lawyer
[ ] Actor/Waiter
[ ] Film-maker/Self-employed
[ ] Writer/Waiter
[ ] Car Dealer
[ ] Pan-handler
[ ] Agent
[ ] Hooker/Transvestite
[ ] Other; please explain: ______________
Please indicate how many times you expect to have sex in car:______
Please indicate how much you plan to spend for this sex: ______
Please list:
Brand of cell phone: __________. (If you don't own a cell phone, please explain.)
Please check hair color:
Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead
Men: Please list shade of hair plugs.
Please check activities you perform while driving:
(Check all that apply)
[ ] Eating a wrap
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping kids in the backseat
[ ] Having sex
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[ ] Snorting cocaine
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop
Please indicate how many times:
a)you expect to shoot at other drivers:___
b)how many times you expect to be shot at while driving:____
If you are the victim of a car-jacking, you should immediately:
a)Call the police to report the crime;
b)Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your car on the news on a high-speed
chase;
c)Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company for 911 call not
going through;
d)Call your therapist;
e)None of the above
Please indicate if you drive:
a)Bimmer
b)Lexus
c)Mercedes
d)Cabriolet
If your answer is D, please add six to eight weeks to normal delivery time for your
driver's license.
In the event of an earthquake, should you:
a)stop your car,
b)keep driving and hope for the best,
c)immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones, or
d)pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4?
In the instance of rain, you should:
a)never drive over 5 MPH
b)drive twice as fast as usual
c)you're not sure what "rain" is
Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ____
Which of the following medications are you currently taking?
a)Prozac;
b)Zovirax;
c)Lithium;
d)Zantax.
If none, please explain: _________
Length of daily commute:
a)1 hour;
b)2 hours;
c)3 hours;
d)4 hours or more.
When stopped by police, should you
a)pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready
b)try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405
c)have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus ensuring yourself of a
hefty lawsuit?
Here's some one liners, (or killer bumper stickers...) from melarie03!
* God invented man because Eve's vibrator ran out of Batteries.
* Reality is a crutch for all those who can't handle drugs.
* If you think I'm a bitch, wait till you meet my mother!
* Have a nice day :) you superficial, butt-kissing asshole!
* I'm just one big fucking ray of sunshine aren't I?
* Why do you need a driver's license to buy beer when you can't drink and drive?
* SEX HAPPENS! :)
* The problem with reality is the lack of background music.
* Heck was created for those who refuse to believe in Gosh.
* Don't play stupid with me...I'm better at it.
* I think ATM's should be musical, don't you?These are spelling and grammar errors found on chart review at a hospital
on
the east coast:
The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who
breathed and cried immediately.
Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
The skin was moist and dry.
Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a
divorce.
Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and
crashed.
I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
The patient was prepped and raped in the usual manner.
Examination reveals a well-developed male laying in bed with his family in
no distress.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently
enrolled in day care three times a week.
Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.
Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
She is numb from her toes down.
Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.
While in the emergency room, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker
instead.
The patient suffers from occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
Coming from Detroit, this man has no children
YUM!
Sent in by jacarte!
A guy with leprosy wins
tickets to see the world series. But when he gets there, he has trouble finding a seat
because pieces of him are peeling and flaking off, and he's very concerned about grossing
out the other fans.
The leper wanders through the bleachers looking for a seat where his grotesque appearance
won't disturb anyone else. Finally he finds an open seat where he might be able to watch
the game. He asks the man in the adjoining seat if it would be okay to sit there.
The man answers, "Yeah. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game." The leper
sits down and adds, "As you can see, I have leprosy. If it disturbs you, I will
move."
"It doesn't bother me. Just shut up, and watch the game."
A while later, during the fourth inning, the man suddenly vomits. Frothy beer, hot dogs,
and peanuts are splattered everywhere.
Seeing this, the leper gets up and says, "Thank you for allowing me to sit next to
you, but I can see that my appearance has caused you to get sick. I will find another
place to sit."
"It's NOT you. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game."
So the leper sits back down. But during the sixth inning, the man begins to vomit again.
This time it is projectile vomitus. A powerful blast of beer and pretzels shoots out from
the man's mouth and nose until his stomach is completely emptied.
Seeing this, the leper gets up and says, "Thank you for allowing me to sit next to
you, but I can see that my appearance has caused you to get sick. I will find another
place to sit."
"Really, it's NOT you. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game."
So the leper sits back down. But during the seventh inning, the man begins to vomit again.
This time it is the dry heaves.
The leper feels absolutely awful at the sight of this man suffering. And once again, the
leper offers to leave. But the man insists, "Really, it's NOT you." So the leper
asks, "Well if it's not me that is making you so sick, that what is it?"
"It's that guy behind you. He keeps dipping his nachos in your back."
Achoo!
This man and this woman are riding next
to each other in first class. The man sneezes, pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off.
The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating. A few minutes
pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off.
The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe that such a rude person exists. A few
minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again. He takes his wang out and wipes the tip off. The
woman has finally had enough. She turns to the man and says, "Three times you've
sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off! What
the hell kind of degenarate are you?" The man replies, "I am sorry to have
disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an
orgasm." The woman then says, "Oh, how strange. What are you taking for
it?" The man looks at her and says, "Pepper." |
