Sent in by neatwrite!!
Chinese Torture
A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he
comes upon a small house. Knocking on the door he is greeted by an ancient Chinese man
with a long gray beard. "I'm lost," says the man. "Can you put me up for
the night?"
"Certainly",' the Chinese man says, "but on one condition." "If
you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese
tortures known to man'".
"OK," the man replies, and enters the house.
Over dinner, the daughter comes down the stairs. She is young and beautiful, with a
fantastic body. She is obviously attracted to the young man and can't keep her eyes off
him during the meal. Remembering
the old man's warning, he ignores her and goes up to bed alone.
During the night he can bear it no longer and sneaks into her room for a night of passion.
He is careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he
creeps back to his room, exhausted but happy.
He wakes to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes, he sees a large rock on his
chest with a note on it that reads: "Chinese Torture 1....Large rock on chest.".
"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thinks.
'If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He
picks the boulder up, walks over to the window and throws the boulder out. As he does,he
notices another note on it that reads:
"Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glances down and
sees the rope, getting very close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones is better than
castration, he jumps out of the
window after the boulder. Plummeting towards the ground, he sees a large sign on the
ground that reads, "Chinese Torture 3....Right testicle tied to bed post."
Male Instructional Guide For Relationships
The following information was gained through much arduous research involving men and women
from all backgrounds and walks of life. It consists of the most frequently asked questions
of women (i.e., relationships, sex and life in general). All women who read this are
encouraged to use the wisdom contained therein to change their behavior in accordance with
the truths established below.
Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex?
A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex,
men are much more responsible, since they're not as emotionally confused as women. It's a
proven fact.
Q: Should I have sex on the first date?
A: YES. Before if possible.
Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must
do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do
certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.
Q: How long should the sex act last?
A: This is a natural & normal part of nature, so don't feel ashamed or embarrassed.
After you've finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly,
& go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out
with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol &
sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out -- while he's gone
you can busy yourself by doing laundry, cleaning the apartment, or perhaps even going out
to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.
Q: What is "afterplay"?
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy.
"Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to do after
lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing
him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive
gift.
Q: Does the size of the penis matter?
A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show
this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about three inches.
Anything longer than that is extremely rare and if by some chance your lover's sexual
organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank your lucky stars and
do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment
and/or buying him an expensive gift.
Q: What about the female orgasm?
A: What about it? There's no such thing. It's a myth.
A small guy goes into an elevator,
when he gets in he notices a huge dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon
the small guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3
pound right ball, Turner Brown" The small white guy faints! The big dude picks up the
small guy, brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him, and asks the small guy.
"What's wrong?" The small white
guy says, "Excuse me but what did you say?" The big dude looks down and says
"7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my
name is Turner Brown." The small guy says,
Thank god, I thought you said 'Turn around.'"
The Penis Poem
(sent in by Lisa0063!)
My nookie days are over
My pilot light is out
What used to be my sex appeal
Is now my water spout.
Time was when, on its own accord
From my trousers it would spring
But now I've got a full-time job
To find the blasted thing.
It used to be embarrassing
The way it would behave
For every single morning
It would stand and watch me shave.
Now as old age approaches
It sure gives me the blues
To see it hang its little head
And watch me tie my shoes.
There's a bear and a rabbit in the
woods and they come across a golden frog, they think this is an amazing discovery and they
are even more amazed when it talks to them. The golden frog admits that he doesn't often
meet people, but when he does he gives them six wishes. He tells them that they can have 3
wishes each.
The bear immediately asks that all the other bears in the forest be female. Which the frog
immediately does.
The rabbit after thinking for a while, asks for a crash helmet and one appears, which he
places on his head.
The bear is amazed at this, but carries on with his next wish, he asks that all the bears
in the neighboring forests be female as well, and thus it is so!
The rabbit then wishes that he could have a motorcycle, it appears before him, and he
climbs on board and starts revving the engine. The bear cannot believe it, he remarks to
the rabbit that he has wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself.
Shaking his head, he makes his final wish, 'That all the other bears in the world be
female as well.' The frog replies that it has been done and they both turn to the rabbit
for his last wish.
The rabbit revs up the engine and thinks for a second, and then says, "I wish for the
bear to be gay!" and promptly drives off as fast as he can!
I once took a sex education class in
college and a funny thing happened one day.
The professor arrived and said we'd be discussing positions that day and asked us how many
positions did we know. I sat there too embarassed to speak but one gal a couple of seats
over said, "Twelve."
The professor nodded approval but as he got ready to call on another hand there was a loud
call from the far back row of the 150 seat auditorium, "A hundred and one."
The little professor looked over his thick glasses but couldn't make out
who had spoken. Finally he called on a fellow down in the front row who replied,
"Seven."
And once again from the very back was heard, "A hundred and one."
Finally he called on a very shy lady sitting next to me. At first she
acted like she wasn't going to answer. Finally she said, "Only one
sir."
And the professor said, "Well young lady that is unusual. And what position would
that be?"
"With the man on top and woman on the bottom," she replied.
And from the back of the room came that same voice, "A hundred and two!"
A father asked his son, Little
Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" Little Johnny said, exploding and bursting into tears.
Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong. "Oh Pop," Johnny
sobbed, "for me there was no Santa Claus at age six, no Easter Bunny at seven, and no
Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you're telling me now that grownups don’t really have
sex, I've got nothing left to believe
in!"
Johnny meets a girl out at a
nightclub and she invites him back to her place for the night, she still lived with her
parents, but they were out of town and this is the perfect opportunity.
They get back to her house and they go into her bedroom, and when johnny
walks in the door he notices all these fluffy toys. There's hundreds of them, fluffy toys
on top of the wardrobe, fluffy toys on the bookshelf and window sill, there's more on the
floor, and of course fluffy toys all over the bed.
Later after they've had sex, johnny turns to her and asks "So ... how was I?"
She says "....Well, ... you can take anything from the bottom shelf." |
This one's
from Boyle!
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get
there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says,"Honey, my
hands are freezing!" She says, "Well, put them here between my thighs and that
will warm them up."
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says
again, "Man! my hands are really freezing!" She says again, "Well, put them
here between my thighs and that'll warm them up." He does, and again that warms him
up.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through
the night. When he returns, he says again, "Honey, my hands are really, really
freezing!" She looks at him and says,"For crying out loud, don't your ears ever
get COLD?"
ADVANTAGES AND DISADVANTAGES FOR HAVING A THREESOME
ADVANTAGES
1. It can get really weird
2. Someone can go for beer without interrupting the proceedings
3. There's always a hand or mouth free when you need one
4. Motel rooms split 3 ways are only $13
5. You get to watch your best friends making love
6. You get to get watched making love
7. Simultaneous enjoying intercourse and oral sex has to be experienced to be believed
8. You get strange looks when you all go out dancing
9. You get really strange looks when you all go out comparison shopping for condoms
10. Enough people to play gin rummy if things don't work out.
11. You can safely check yourself for any homosexual tendencies without actually doing
anything about it.
12. Calling out the wrong name during climax isn't as much of a problem, the "wrong
name" is probably the one on your left.
13. Three-person showers are fantastic
14. Three-person naked belly laughs are even better
15. Three-person kisses are best
DISADVANTAGES
1. It can get really weird
2. Tougher for three people to decide on pizza toppings
3. Simultaneous orgasms are even trickier to pull off
4. You may harbor paranoid thoughts that while you're in the bathroom, the other two are
giggling over the pimple on your butt.
5. Trying to find safe places to put your elbows
6. You get to find out what kind of really sick things your friends like.
7. Queen-sized beds are suddenly smaller than you remember them.
8. Trying to fit 3 names in the little heart when drawing on your notebooks.
9. Morning breath multiplied by 3.
10. You might discover homosexual tendencies you didn't suspect nor want.
11. You might discover homosexual tendencies in one of your friends you didn't suspect nor
want.
12. You have the option of wrecking twice the normal number of relationships.
13. The odds of boyfriends/spouses walking in on you triple.
14. Sorting clothes quickly when the boyfriend/spouse walks in assumes comical proportions
15. Now there's two wet spots to avoid.
Two girls were walking down the sidewalk on a hot summer day.
They come upon this old lady sitting on steps in front of her house eating watermelon.
They notice that she wasn't wearing any panties. So they ask her if its cooler without
wearing any panties. She said, "I don't know if it's cooler but sure keeps the flies
off the watermelon."
After a few years of married life,
this guy finds that he is unable to perform anymore. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor
tries a few things - but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him "this is all
in your mind", and refers him to a psychiatrist.
After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you
could possible be cured." Finally, the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.
The witch doctor tells him, "I can cure this", and throws some powder on a
flame. There is a flash with billowing blue smoke…… The witch doctor says
"This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is
say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The guy then asks the
witchdoctor "What happens when it's over?" The witch doctor says "all you
have to do is say '1234' and it will go down. But be warned, it will not work again for
another year!"
The guy goes home, and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good
news…… So, he is lying in bed with her and says "123" and suddenly he
gets an erection. His wife turns over and says, "What did you say '123 for?"
A farmer has about 200 hens, but no
rooster and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he
has a rooster.
The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy; "he'll
service every chicken you've got. No problem."
Well, Randy the rooster is a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So ,
he buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy home and sets
him down in the barnyard, giving the rooster a pep talk, " Randy, I want you to pace
yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service
here and you cost me a lot of money and I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time
and have some fun," the farmer said with a chuckle.
Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points towards the hen house and Randy took off
like a shot ~WHAM~ He nails every hen on there THREE
or FOUR times and the farmer is just shocked. Randy runs out of the hen house and sees a
flock of geese down by the lake ~WHAM~ He gets all the geese. Randy's up in the pigpen.
He's in with the cows. Randy is jumping on every animal the farmer owns.
The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day. Sure
enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Randy dead as a doorknob
in the middle of the yard.
Buzzards are circling overhead.
The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful animal, shakes his head and says,
"Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get
you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself." Randy opens one eye, and
looks towards the buzzards flying overhead and say's,
"Shhh. They're getting closer....
A young gay man calls home and tells
his Jewish mother that he has met a wonderful girl and is going to be married. He is sure
she will be happier since he knows his gay lifestyle has been very disturbing to her.
She responds that she is indeed delighted and asks tentatively, "I suppose it would
be too much to hope that she would be Jewish?"
He tells her that not only is the girl Jewish but from a wealthy Beverly Hills family.
She admits she is overwhelmed by the news, and asks, "What is her name?"
He answers,"Monica Lewinsky".
There is a long pause, then his mother asks, "What happened to that nice Catholic boy
you were dating last year?"
From Boyle!
Now if they had races like this I'd be at
Belmont everyday!!!!!!
Good Morning, Enjoy the race!
Horses in the race are..........................
1. Passionate Lady
2. Bare Belly
3. Silk Panties
4. Conscience
5. Jockey Shorts
6. Clean Sheets
7. Thighs
8. Big Johnson
9. Heavy Bosom
10. Merry Cherry
At the Post....................They're off!..............
Conscience is left behind at the post.
Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry.
Heavy Bosom is being pressured.
Passionate lady is caught between Thighs
and Big Johnson in a very tight spot.
At the Halfway Mark it's Bare Belly on top.
Thighs opens up and Big Johnson is pressed in.
Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets.
Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly.
Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Johnson.
At the stretch Merry Cherry cracks under the strain.
Big Johnson is making a final drive.
Passionate Lady is coming.
At The Finish...........
It's Big Johnson giving everything he's got and
Passionate Lady takes everything Big Johnson has to offer.
It looks like a dead heat.
Big Johnson squirts through and wins by a head.
Heavy Bosom weakens and Thighs pulls-up.
Clean Sheets never had a chance.
While away at a convention, an
executive happened to meet a young woman who was pretty and intelligent. When he persuaded
her to disrobe in his hotel room, he found out she had a superb body as well.
Unfortunately,
the executive found himself unable to perform.
On his first night home, the executive walked from the shower into the bedroom to find his
wife covered in a rumpled bathrobe, her hair curled, her face creamed, munching candy
loudly while she pored through a movie
magazine.
Then, without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent erection.
Looking down at this, he snarled, "Why you ungrateful, mixed-up son of a bitch. Now I
know why they call you a prick! |
