OOPS!
Sent in by Boyle!
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The
pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man
wants.
'Well,' he said, 'I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the
condoms because I think tonight's 'the' night. We're having dinner with her parents, and
then we're going out.
And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me
all the time, so you'd better give me the
12 pack.' The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if
he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying
with his head down for several minutes after everyone starts eating. The girl leans over
and says, 'You never told me that you were such a religious person.'
He leans over to her and says, 'You never told me that your father is a pharmacist.'
Oh Baby!
From ANGIEBUG
This man was in a long line at the grocery store. As he got to the register he realized he
had forgotten to get condoms. So he asked the checkout girl if she could have some condoms
brought up to the register.
She asked, "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't know.
She asked him to drop his pants. He did, she reached over the counter, grabbed hold of
him, then picked up the store intercom and said "One box of large condoms to register
5." The next man in line thought this was interesting and, like most of us, up for a
cheap thrill. When he got to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten
to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought up to the register.
She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his
pants. He did, she gave him a quick feel, picked up the store intercom and said, "One
box of medium sized condoms to register 5." A few customers back was this teen-aged
boy. He thought what he had
witnessed was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live
female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got up to the register, he told the
checker he needed some condoms.
She asked him what size, and he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants and
he did. She reached over the counter, gave him one quick squeeze, then picked up the
intercom and said, "Clean up at register 5!"
Mikey
A boy says to his mother, "Mom, is God a man or a woman?"
The mom thinks a while and says, "Well, son, God is both a man and a woman!"
The son is confused, so he asks, "Is God black or white?"
The mother replies, "God is both black and white, honey."
The son, still curious, says after a while, "Is God gay or straight, mommy?"
The mother, getting a little worried, answers, "Son, God is both gay and
straight."
The son thinks about it, and his face lights up when he thinks he finally has answered his
question: "Is God Michael Jackson?"
Important Press Release:
(From Lisa0063!)
The manufacturers of KY Jelly have announced that their product is
now fully Year 2000 compliant. In the light of this they have now renamed it as: 'Y2KY
Jelly.'
Said a spokesman: "The main benefit of this revision to our product, is that you can
now insert four digits into your date instead of two!"
Shipwreck
Sent in by LCo187!
A ship goes out to sea and crashes. 6 people (1 woman and 5
men) survive and use a safety raft to float to this deserted island.
Well, after spending several weeks on the island, they all begin to get really
lonely and sexually deprived. So they come to this agreement. All of the men will marry
the one woman for a week. So the first man has her for one week, the second man has her
for the second week, and so on. Everyone will now be getting sex and they all agree to it.
This goes on for five years and everyone is happy. Each man gets sex every fifth week and
the woman gets to have sex whenever she wants with a different man every week.
Well, a few weeks into the fifth year, the woman dies!!!! The first week is pretty bad,
the second week is still pretty bad, the third week is getting worse, the fourth week
things are just bad, real bad, and the fifth week is just awful. It's getting so very bad
that... on the sixth
week...............
they buried her.
Play Your Best
From LCo187!
Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same
day, and they both go before St. Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven.
Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so St. Peter must decide which of
them gets in.
St. Peter asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven, so she
takes off her top and says, "Look at these.They're the most perfect ones God ever
created, and I'm sure it will please him to be able to see them every day for
eternity."
St. Peter thanks Dolly, and asks Queen Liz the same question. She then drops her skirt and
panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it.
St. Peter says, "OK, Your Majesty, you may go in".
Dolly is outraged. She screams, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own
creations, she performs a disgusting, hygiene act, and gets in and I don't?!!!"
"Sorry, Dolly," says St. Peter, "but a royal flush beats a pair any
day."
Keep it warm now...
One day the travelling dildo salesman visited a new
town and went about plying his wares to all the wives who were home.
He went to the first house and showed the first wife all of his wares. She thought for a
little bit, trying to decide between the medium-sized pink one, and the large black one.
Eventually, she bought the large black one.
He went to the second house, and showed his dildos to the second wife. She too, bought the
large black dildo.
He went to the third and fourth houses, and all happened as before.
He went to the fifth house, and showed all of his wares to the fifth wife. She didn't
think a moment before saying "I'll take the huge silver one." The salesman
looked slightly confused for a second, but went ahead and charged her double what he
normally charged for the large black one.
When he got home that evening his wife asked him how his day had gone. He replied it had
gone well. "How many dildos did you sell?" she asked.
"Well," he said, "I sold four of the large black ones............and my
thermos."
That's my boy!
A Texan bought a round of drinks for all
in the bar and said that his wife had just produced a typical Texas baby weighing twenty
pounds. "WOW!" from
everyone at the bar.
Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and
asked, "Aren't you the father of the baby that weighed twenty pounds at
birth? How much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answered, "10 pounds."
The bartender said, "Why, what happened? He did weigh twenty pounds."
The proud Texas father said, "Just had him circumcised!
POSSIBLE TITLES FOR LEWINSKY'S NEW BOOK
From
SteveLWashickSr!
Linda Tripp, it has also been announced, is writing a book
claiming that she only wanted to help Monica because she felt motherly instincts towards
her. -- Yeah Right, like a mother spider who eats her young.
Anyway, here are a few suggestions for MONICAs new book title:
* Me and My Big Mouth
* What Really Goes Down In The White House
* You Have to Work Hard to Find the Softer Side of the President
* How I Blew It In Washington
* Testing the Limits of the Gag Rule
* Going Back for Gore
* Secret Services to the President
* Harass is Not Two Words: The Story of Bill Clinton
* The Congressional Study on White House Intern Positions
* She's Chief of MY Staff!
* Al Gore Is In Command For The Next 30 Minutes
* Going Down and Moving Up
* Members of the Presidential Cabinet
* How To Get A head in Business
* I Wore What You Did Last Summer |
Reasons Masturbation is better
than Real Sex . . .
Your hand always lets you finish
first.
It's free.
Same reason my Chevy is better than a Ferrari: It's all I can get.
You call the position.
"Premature ejaculation"? hehehe
No weird looks when you pull out the peanut butter.
Your privates are your best friend.
Your girlfriend is just a piece of skin that you have sex with.
Gives a single man good reason to wash his socks.
Easier to join their "Mile High Club."
You get to scream out your own name.
Peeing is considered foreplay.
Nobody ever says, "Why is it all green and wrinkly?"
You'll never have two women, but you'll always have two HANDS!
Four words: "Brad Pitt hand puppet."
You can do it and play Interactive Top Ten at the same time.
Don't have to clean up fur afterwards.
A Little Off The Top Please...
Sent in by LCo187!
A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because
her
vagina lips are much too large. She asks the doctor to keep the
operation a secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to
find out. The doctor agrees.
She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed
beside her bed. Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and
says, "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"
"Don't worry," he says, "I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is
from me.I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself.
The second one is from my nurse. She assisted me with the operation,
and she had the operation done herself."
"Who is the third rose from?" she asked
"Oh," says the doctor, "that rose is from a guy upstairs in the
burn unit.
He wanted to thank you for his new ears!"
Zing!
From Foxywady!
The Mother of two girls and one boy is making a pot of pea
soup for the family dinner. Over the top of the stove is a shelf with spices, etc. and a
box of BB's for her Hubby's BB gun. As she walks away from the stove the box of BB's fell
in. When she came back to stir the soup, she had realized that they had fallen in. She
just says to herself, "Oh well, no one will notice."
Dinner was served and after everyone had eaten, all were excused from the table. As she
was doing the dishes and cleaning up, the first girl comes to her Mother and says,
"Mom, I just took a pee and BB's came out!" and her Mother tell her young
daughter, "I know Honey, I was cooking the soup and the box fell in but they came out
so you will be ok." So the little girl walked away.
Then again a bit later, the second young daughter comes to Mom and says, "Mom. I just
took a pee and BB's came out!" and the Mother tells her, "I know. I was cooking
the soup and the box fell in, but they came out so you will be ok." The girl walks
away.
Later on that evening, the little boy comes to Mother and says, "Mom!" and she
interrupted him and says, " I know, I know. You just took a pee and BB's came out,
right?" and the boy says, "No Mom. I was just jerking off and I shot the
dog!"Quickies from
richardjones!
Q: How do you get your wife to scream while you are
having an orgasm?
A: Call her and tell her where you are.
Q: What's the difference between light and hard?
A: You can go to sleep with a light on.
Q: What's the difference between dark and hard?
A: It stays dark all night.
Q: What's the difference between a BONUS and a PENIS?
A: Your wife will blow your bonus.
Q: What's the difference between a wife and a job?
A: After 20 years, the job STILL sucks.
Q: What is the definition of wicker box?
A: It's what Elmer Fudd wants to do to Madonna.
Q: What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common?
A: They both like a tight seal.
Q: How can you tell a sumo wrestler from a feminist?
A: A Sumo wrestler shaves his legs.
Q: What is Rodeo Sex?
A: Well, it's where your wife is on all fours, you are firmly ensconced from the rear with
a breast in each hand, and you say to her: "This is the way your sister likes it
too." You have eight seconds to stay in the saddle.
Q: Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?
A: It changes their blood type.
Q: If you are having sex with two women and one more woman walks in, what do you have?
A: Divorce proceedings, most likely.
Q: What's the difference between a slut and a bitch?
A: A slut goes to bed with everyone and a bitch goes to bed with everyone but you.
Q: What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
A: They can both smell it but can't eat it.
Q: What is the similarity between a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken?
A: By the time you've finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is a greasy
box to pop your bone in.
Q: How are twisters (tornadoes) and marriage alike?
A: They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end you lose your house.
Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
Q: How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
A: The cake jumps out of the girl.
Q: How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
A: Put a nipple on it.
Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
A: Made her chain too long.
Sent in by MAHLEE!
Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her.
As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to
provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two
conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm. Cinderella agrees.
"What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a
pumpkin."
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella
doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking lovestruck and **very**
satisfied. "Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your
diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago".
"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."
"I know of no prince with that kind of power. Tell me his name"
"I can't remember, exactly ...Peter Peter, something or other...."
Pinched!
Sent in by SteveLWashickSr!
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her
butt and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought, and replied with silence. The next
morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you
firmed these up we could ge rid of your bra." This was beyond a silent response, so
she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis.
With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid
of the postman, the gardener, the pool man and your brother!" |
