Ol' Tex
Three cowboys were sitting around the campfire one
evening during the cattle
drive. One was from Kansas; another from Wyoming; and the third from Texas.
As often happens among rough, tough men living rugged, hard lives, tall
tales of bravado and manliness were exchanged.
The cowboy from Kansas said, "I'm the meanest, hardest hombre this side of
the Pecos River. On the last roundup, a big Brahma bull got loose and gored six
cowboys before I jumped on that big fella, wrestled him to the ground and
hog-tied him all by my lonesome."
The cowpoke from Wyoming gave a snort of disgust, spit out his wad of
tobacco and claimed, "Why that's nothing, just last Fall I was guiding a wagon train
through Indian territory when a nest of rattlesnakes spooked my horse and I
was thrown right smack dab in the middle of them. I had to grab 'em all
before I was bit. With both hands full of snake, the only way to kill them
was to bite their heads off. Now tell me that ain't the manliest thing
you've ever heard."
The Texan remained quiet, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.
One for the ladies from Boyle!
First Mammogram
Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need
to
worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the
following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test, and best of all,
you can do these simple practice exercises right in your home.
EXERCISE 1:
Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have
one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door
for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time
wasn't effective enough.
EXERCISE 2:
Visit your garage at 3 AM when the temperature of the cement floor is just
perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged
under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast
is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast.
EXERCISE 3:
Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room.
Press the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you
can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again. You are now
properly prepared.
WHEN IT COMES TO SEX
according to LCo187!
Accountants do it with Double Entry
Acupuncturists do it with a small prick
Ambulance drivers come quicker
Australians do it Down Under
Bankers do it with interest
Bartenders do it on the Rocks
Chess players check their Mates
Cops do it with cuffs
DJs do it on request
Deep-sea divers do it under extreme pressure
Dentist do it orally
Detectives do it under cover
Don't do it with Bankers, most of them are Tellers
Engineers do it to specification
Firemen do it with a big hose
Frank Sinatra does it his way
Garbagemen cum twice a week
Gardeners do it in the bushes
Gas attendants Pump all day
Housewives do it for an allowance
Jockeys gallop hard and finish fast
Landlords do it every 1st of the month
Mountain Climbers like to be on top
Pianists touch, tickle, and titilate!
Pizza delivery men come in 30 minutes or it's free
Truckers do it in the road
Travel Agents do it in lots of different places
Waiters and waitresses do it for tips
Watch out for tennis players - love means nothing to them!
Zoologists do it with animals
Question and Answer time!
Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your mom.
Q: What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom?
A: Say, "Nice dick."
Q: How do you know you're leading a sad life?
A: When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends."
Q: What do you get when you cross Billy Ray Cyrus and a yeast infection?
A: An itchy, twitchy twat.
Q: Are birth control pills deductible?
A: Only if they don't work.
Q: What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
A: If we don't get some support soon, people are going to think we're nuts.
Q: Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love?
A: Because they have cotton balls.
Q: What do you get when you cross an Owl and a Rooster?
A: A cock that stays up all night.
A waitress walks up to one of her
tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Japanese businessmen
seated there are furiously masturbating.
She says, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?"
One of the Japanese men says, "We are all berry hungry." The waitress disgusted
says, "So how is whacking off in this restaurant going to help that situation?"
One of the other businessmen replies, "Because menu say, FIRST COME, FIRST
SERVED."
Future Vending Machines
The Hair Cut
A salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a
haircut before his meeting tomorrow, he called down to the desk
clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.
"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the
hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your
purposes."
Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine,
inserted
$15, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine
started to buzz and trim. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his head
and
surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his
life.
Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures,
$20."
"Why not?" he thought. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the
slot, and the machine started to buzz and spin. Fifteen seconds later
he pulled his hands out and they were perfectly manicured.
The next machine had a sign that read, "Machine provides a service
men need when away from their wives, 50 cents."
He looked both ways, put 50 cents in the machine, unzipped his fly,
and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the
machine started buzzing, he let out a shriek of agony and almost
passed out.
Fifteen seconds later it shut off. With trembling hands, he was able to
withdraw his member....which now had a button neatly sewn on the end!
|
The UPS
Guy
One
Monday morning the UPS man
is driving the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the
homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was
cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and
liquor bottles.
“Wow Bob,
looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,” the UPS man
comments. Bob, in obvious pain, replies “Actually we had it Saturday night.
This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We
had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend
fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we all got so drunk around midnight that
we started playing "WHO AM I?”
The UPS man thinks a moment and says, “How do you play "WHO AM I?”
“Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a
sheet covering us, with only our 'privates' showing through a hole in the
sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.”
The UPS man laughs and says, “Damn, I'm sorry I missed that.”
”Probably a good thing you did,” Bob responded. “Your name came up seven
times.......”
A Day at the Rodeo
A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they
stopped at was the breeding bulls.
They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This
bull mated 50 times last year." The wife playfully nudged her husband in the
ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."
They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said "This bull
mated 120 times last year. "The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and
said,
"That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."
They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in
capital
letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife, so excited that
her
elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, "That's once a day. You could
REALLY learn something from this one."
The husband looked at her and said,
"Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow.
NOTE: The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and
he should eventually make a full recovery
From Boyle!
Definition of a nice Greek Boy....
A Greek boy who takes a girl out twice before screwing her brother.
Keep it Running!
Another BoyleJoke!
It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old man married a young, twenty year old
woman.
A year later, she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse walked into the waiting
room and congratulated the old fellow. "This is amazing. How do you do it at your
age?" The old geezer answered, "You've got to keep that old motor running."
The following year, the young woman gave birth again. Once again, the same nurse
approached the old guy and begged the question, "How do you do it?"
Again, he replied, "You've got to keep the old motor running."
Well, sure enough, another year passed and the young woman gave birth yet again. The nurse
said to the old fellow, "I don't get it - you must be quite a man." The old
geezer again reasoned, "You've got to keep that old motor running."
"Well," said the nurse, "you'd better change the oil in that old motor
because this one's black!"
One for the men from Tyoung!
NAME: "Expecteria Trouserius" (Trouser Snake)
LOCATION: Throughout the world
DESCRIPTION: Varying from pink to black. Fangless, with a highly venomous spit. Size
varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood and subspecies.
SYMPTOMS: This snake attacks, mainly women, in the lower front abdomen, resulting in an
inconspicuous bump. Then, a severe swelling, followed by excruciating
pain after nine months. The attack is not usually fatal. However, it has been known to
attack men in the rear lower abdomen, which may result in an incurable disease and
possible death.
HABITAT: Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in the most unusual
places.
ANTIDOTE: Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the venom is
injected into the body, only
drastic measures will ensure complete recovery. There is no known antidote for men.
WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED:
TORNIQUET: Do not apply a torniquet, as the venom is too deep in the body to be affected.
CUTTING THE WOUND: This would be completely unnecessary and ineffective as the bleeding
will stop after a few weeks anyhow.
SUCKING THE WOUND: This method is the most popular with the victim, but so far has not
been reported to have led to any success.
MILKING THE SNAKE:
1. Place 4 fingers of the right hand around the neck of the reptile, with the thumb in the
front.
2. Grip firmly and move the hand in an upwards and downwards motion.
3. This will result in the snake becoming highly aggressive and start spitting.
4. The time taken for this milking process depends entirely on the milker and the last
time the snake attacked.
5. Once milked, the snake should be harmless for about 20 minutes.
CONCLUSION: This snake, although it is very aggressive and active, is not necessarily a
vermin and treated with the right respect, makes a wonderful pet.
You Idiot!
From EvilNetRls!
A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange
noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed,
sweating and panting. "What's going on here?' he says.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the
phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy!
Uncle Ted's hiding in your wardrobe closet and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming
wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked,
cowering on the wardrobe floor.
"You IDIOT!!!," says the husband,
'My wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked and scaring the
kids!"
FIVE KINDS OF SEX.
Sent in by Angiebug!
1) The first is Smurf Sex. This happens
during the honeymoon, you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.
2) The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage, you'll have sex
anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.
3) The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you
gotta do it in the bedroom.
4) The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other in the hallway and
say, "Fuck you!"
5) There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and
your wife screws you in front of everyone in the
courtroom. |
