"G" rated jokes!
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"G" jokes are clean jokes that are published weekly, but E-Mail subscribers get clean G jokes by mail, now and again!

This week's jokes are medical related, and sort of groaners. Enjoy anyway!

AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

The Stay
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?'  'Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as
he drug himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said. To which he whirled around and screamed,

'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!

Blind Little Johnny
Sent in by Ted. Thanks Ted!
Little Johnny and his  friend Billy were on their very first train ride with Billy's mother. A vendor came down the corridor selling a  candy bar that neither had ever seen before. Billy's mom bought each one of them  a bar.
Little Johnny eagerly tore open the wrapper  and bit a bit off into his mouth just as the train went into a tunnel. When the  train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across at Billy and said: "I wouldn't  eat that if I were you."
"Why not?" asked  Billy.
Little Johnny replied, "I took one bite and  went blind for half a minute."
~~~~~~
Garden Of Eden
Also from Ted!
After the fall in Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain
and Abel. As they passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden, one of
the boys asked, "Father, what's that?"
Adam replied, "Boys, that's where your mother ate us out of house and
home."

[GROAN-ed.](;->
~~~~~~
Worlds Easiest Quiz
(Or Is It?)
Also From Ted. It's All Ted, All the Time!

(Passing requires 4 correct answers)

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get catgut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What color is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?

All done? Check your answers below!

Answers to The Quiz

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
A: 116 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats?
A: Ecuador

3) From which animal do we get catgut?
A: Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
A: November

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
A: Squirrel fur [I didn't know that one -ed.]

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what
animal?
A: Dogs [Nor that one -ed.]

7) What was King George VI's first name?
A: Albert

8) What color is a purple finch?
A: Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
A: New Zealand

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
A: Orange, of course.
~~~~~~
NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

1 half-gallon of 2% milk
1 carton of eggs
1 quart of orange juice
1 head of romaine lettuce
1 - 2 lb. can of coffee
And a 1 lb. package of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued  by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
 

The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly".
~~~~~~
The husband had just finished reading the book, MAN OF THE HOUSE.
He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know
that I am the man of this house, and my word is law!
I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished
eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after
dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax.
And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and
comb my hair?"
His wife replied, "The funeral director."
~~~~~~
I was performing a complete physical,
including the visual acuity test.
I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began,
"Cover your right eye with your hand."
He read the 20/20 line perfectly. Now your left."
Again, a flawless read. Now both," I requested.
There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line.
I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked;
he was standing there with both his eyes covered.
I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
~~~~~
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with
his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was
having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked.
"The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours
and now I'm running out of places to put it!"
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
 

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