R Rated Jokes for all the Folks!

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Updated 05-10-08

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The UPS Guy

One Monday morning the UPS man is driving the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

“Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,” the UPS man comments. Bob, in obvious pain, replies “Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild.  Hell, we all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing "WHO AM I?”

The UPS man thinks a moment and says, “How do you play "WHO AM I?”

“Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our 'privates' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.”

The UPS man laughs and says, “Damn, I'm sorry I missed that.”

”Probably a good thing you did,” Bob responded. “Your name came up seven times.......”

Beer contains female hormones

Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the  results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female  hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer  consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:
 1) Argued over nothing.
 2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
 3) Gained weight.
 4) Talked excessively without making sense.
 5) Became overly emotional.
 6) Couldn't drive.
 7) Failed to think rationally.
 8) Had to sit down while urinating.
 No further testing was considered necessary.

Send this to the men you know to warn them about drinking too much beer! And send it to your women friends to give them a good laugh! If you think they can handle it.

Last Fling
Also from Ted!
Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town. After a few beers they end up at the local brothel.
The madam takes one look at the two old geezers (Art and Gary) and whispers to her manager, "Go up to the first bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference."
The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.
As they are walking home the first man says "you know, I think my girl was dead!"
"Dead? says his friend, "why would you say that?"
"Well, she never moved or made a sound all the whole time I was loving her!"
His friend says "I think mine was a witch!"
"A witch?" says the first" "why the hell would say that?"
"Well " the first man replies "I was making love to her, kissing her neck and when I gave her a little bite on the neck, she farted and flew out the window!"
~~~~~~
From Ted
How do you know you're living in Tennessee?
You get married for the third time and have the same in-laws.
~~~~~~
SYMPTOMS OF THE BIRD FLU...
Sent in by koz4ds!
The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately:

1. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to crap on someone's windshield!!!
~~~~~~
The Candle
Sent in by Ted!
Mrs. O'Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin, and coming in the opposite direction was Father Rafferty.
"Hello," said the Father, "and how is Mrs. O'Donovan? Didn't I marry you two years ago?"
She replied, "That you did, Father."
The priest asked, "And are there any little ones yet?"
"No, not yet Father," said she.
"Well, now, I'm going to Rome next week, and I'll light a candle for you."
"Thank you, Father." And away she went.
A few years later they met again. "Well, now, Mrs. O'Donovan," said the Father, "how are you?"
"Oh, very well," said she.
"And tell me," he said, "Have you any little ones yet?"
"Oh yes, Father. I've had three sets of twins, and four singles, ten in all."
"Now isn't that wonderful," he said "And how is your lovely husband?"
"Oh," she said, "he's gone to Rome to blow out that damn candle!"
~~~~~~
Horse Trader
Little Johnny's back!
Little John attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, John asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
John, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."
~~~~~~
Butt Measurements
A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and theman looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."
With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.
"Yes, I was right; your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!"
The woman chose to ignore her husband.
Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky.
He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks. ..............
She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?
~~~~~~
A Day at the Rodeo
A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls.
They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said "This bull mated 120 times last year. "The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, "That's once a day. You could
REALLY learn something from this one."

The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow.

NOTE: The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and he should eventually make a full recovery
~~~~~~
THE BARBER AND THE MEXICAN
One day a florist goes to the barber for a haircut. After the cut he goes to pay the barber..."I'm sorry I cannot accept the money from you. I'm doing community service."
The florist is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and one dozen roses waiting at his door.

 A cop goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber after the cut, but the barber replies "I'm sorry but I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service."
The cop is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and one dozen donuts waiting at his door.

A Mexican cook goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber after the cut. But again the barber replies "I'm sorry I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service."
The Mexican cook is happy and leaves. The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, guess what he finds?...........

a dozen Mexicans waiting for a free haircut!!!!

~~~~~~

These are semi R rated medical jokes. Enjoy!

A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams.
To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and farted!
He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?"
She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener."

~~~~~~

I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, So, how's your breakfast this morning?"
It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

~~~~~~

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bed-ridden?"
After a look of complete confusion she answered ...
"Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive."


 

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